


Diffrent Ends Meet

by SomeSunnyDay



Category: Johnny the Homicidal Maniac
Genre: Alternate Universe, Band Fic, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Death, Developing Relationship, Drug Addiction, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Homicidal Thoughts and Actions, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Near Death, References to Drugs, Religious Content, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-27 01:15:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20751902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeSunnyDay/pseuds/SomeSunnyDay
Summary: (Warning!! Explicit depictions of self harm and homicide!!)Nny was the frontman for the band 'The Manic Hours' - he played with Mr. Eff (Derek), Psycho DoughBoy (his brother Andrew) and Nail Bunny (Arin). They worked well together most of the time.(I'm really bad at summaries I'm sorry)- (Tags will be added as chapters are added)(There is now a tag on Instagram for this AU! #jthmdefau- I hope to be posting concept art and cosplay of everyone soon!)





	1. The End of The Show Again

**Author's Note:**

> AU based on a drawing I did- Edgar is a christian punk rock dude, Nny is the singer for a "satanic" band. Band insp- Korn, A Perfect Circle and Disturbed.

When the show was done Johnny C. reverted back to Nny. Nny was the frontman for a band named "The Manic Hours." Along with his bandmates D-Boy (Andrew) Mr. Eff (Derek) and NailBunny (Arin). They had a hard, displaced yet coordinated sound, it killed Nny's vocals but to him it was worth it. 

Heading through the back door Nny rubbed his temples. Derek was playing especially hard this round, the death of a group friend was hitting them hard. Krik was the first person to listen to their songs, first person to show up at the live shows, he let them use his house as a base. His former girlfriend Tess was having it the worst. They hadn't actually called her or anything. Nny made a mental note to do that when everyone settled down for the night.

Arin was already in the truck when Nny walked up to it.

"Hey Nny."

Arin nodded towards the building they played in

"You tell the others it was time to go?"

Nny shook his head 'no'

"What's the matter Nny?"

He opened the truck door and sat himself down facing away from Arin.

"Headache, Arin. We need to get Derek to a fucking therapist or something, he's gonna destroy those drums and make me go deaf."

Arin shook his head "More than you already are?"

"I'm gonna fucking shove your face in the steering wheel and laugh at your broken fucking nose Arin."

Nny rubbed his face harder.

"Sorry Nny, just tryin'a lighten the mood. You want some Tylenol or Advil? I got some in my bag."

"Tylenol..please."

"You got it."

After Nny took the medication he moved to the back and laid himself down on a jacket wrapped pillow to rest.

-

Derek and Andrew were at each other's throats constantly. Being brothers doesn't count for them, they insult and hit each other regardless of blood relations.

Andrew took things and made them a worse self loathing venture. Derek would scream and curse at a door if it didn't open when he wanted. But the only time, it seemed, that they got along was on stage, playing their hearts out. Arin was sort of there as anger management for the rest of the group. He played electric guitar and backup vocals alongside Andrew. He played an important role of keeping a sort of peace amongst the chaos. Nny kept everyone together in general.

At present point in time Andrew and Derek were sitting in silence. At least until Arin came in.

"Hey guys, we gotta bounce. Nny's not doing too well and I'm very tired."

Derek turned to Arin and gave him a very dirty look and a middle finger.

"You can go fuck right off Arin. Can't you see we're doing something?"

Arin pinched the bridge of his nose and asked "You wanna walk all the way back to the hotel?"

Andrew put his hand on Derek's arm "C'mon. I want to drown myself in alcohol. And possibly eat a fuck ton of twinkies."

Derek yanked his arm back and forced out "Fine, but only cause I want to destroy the fucking hedges outside."

Arin shook his head "I'm sure another destruction of public property charge would please your P.O. Derek."

Derek stood up and got in Arin's face.

"My P.O. can't do shit if he doesn't know you fucking prick."

The knock at the wall made everyone stop what they were doing. Nny was leaning against the door frame with an irritated look on his face.

"You guys all done? I need to call Tess and take a shower. Unlike you assholes I actually kind of care about not smelling like a fucking bucket of entrails."

-

The ride back to the hotel was strained. The first thing Nny did was take a shower. Arin ate a hot pocket and gave Derek a back rub. Andrew sat on the floor sketching with markers. They all settled eventually. Arin understood the pain the brothers were going through, Krik was Derek and Andrew's childhood friend. By knowing Derek and Andrew he and Nny knew Krik. Arin sat on his side of the room once Derek calmed down.

"You guys want anything to eat? I got a lot of microwaved pasta left."

Andrew looked up and shrugged, Derek did the same.

"You can't eat twinkies all the time guys. Lemme tell you what, if you eat a bowl of pasta I'll run down to the store and get that off brand cookie dough you both like, yeah?"

Andrew looked up to Derek and they both nodded.

Nny came out of the hall and he looked exhausted.

Arin glanced at the phone in his hand and sighed.

"Tess didn't take it well I assume?"

"No, Arin. She's been trying to reach us to get Krik's stuff back but _ someone _broke my fucking phone and I had to get A. Mother. Fucking. Burner."

Nny looked daggers at Derek and he interjected

"That fucking bitch doesn't get to have his stuff. She was only in a relationship with Kirk for a year and a half. She doesn't deserve shit."

Arin physically put himself between Nny and Derek, Arin looked at Derek with a hard sympathy.

"She was still with him, she spent the majority of her time with him. Emotional attachment, Derek. At least let her have a few things."

Derek sighed. Andrew got up slowly and sat next to him.

"Let her have some shit for her armour Derek. We can't keep bringing a house worth of possessions with us everywhere we go."

"Fucking fine! Let her have the shit. I don't fucking care anymore!" Derek threw his hands about and groaned.

Nny turned to Arin and said "I heard you say something about getting them their cookie dough?"

Arin nodded.

"Let me get it. You have a better head on you to not blow up if they say something fucking stupid."

Arin nodded again. Sometimes Arin would be silent after either of the brother's outbursts. Nny guessed it was to keep everything calm. Or maybe it was a messed up coping mechanism. Arin handed Nny the keys and he left without another word.


	2. There's Something About a Shopping Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Edgar in this chapter, the brothers are still assholes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written 5 chapters so far, I hope you all like it as much as I do <3

The store was almost completely empty when Nny got there. He had to find his wallet again. Walking down the aisle he looked through his pockets and abruptly stopped when he realized he didn't have his wallet on him. He called Arin.

"Yeah, fuckin' forgot my wallet."

_ 'You want me to walk over and give you a 20?' _

Nny moved his hand dismissively.

"Might as well. How long will you be?" 

_ 'Probably 30 minutes- 15 if I find a faster way.' _

"I hate how you're so calm about that, fuck."

_ 'Don't worry it won't be long.' _

Nny muttered ok and hung up.

Nny left the aisle he was in and wandered for a little while. The sound of boots and chains alerted Nny that he wasn't alone.

He looked over and saw a man looking at the cheese. He was dressed head to toe in black. He had on a leather jacket and a cross. His pants were ripped at the knees and his biker boots were scuffed. His cross earrings and glasses caught Nny a little off guard. He'd never seen someone go to the store in an outfit like that. The chains were attached to his belt and there was a key on one of the belt loops.

The man looked over at him and quickly looked back to the Swiss he was holding. Nny's outfit wasn't too far off from this man's beside him. He wasn't sure why he was nervous. To make the tension more bearable Nny spoke first.

"I'd hope the cheese is for a meal and not just for you to eat out of the bag."

The man looked a little startled but he responded flatly 

"It's for my abuela's dinner party."

Nny nodded and noted the mention of 'abuela.' Some sort of Hispanic descent he assumed.

"What kind of party? Is it someone's birthday?"

"A family reunion."

Nny thought to himself _ this guy's borderline monosyllabic, jeez. _

"Well uh..," Nny messed with his shirt and continued "..have a nice reunion uh.."

"Edgar. Edgar Vargas."

"Johnny C."

Edgar's face tensed- _ oh here we go. _

"You're The Manic Hours lead singer right?"

Nny nodded.

"I really like your sound- though I can only really listen to it by myself. My abuela thinks you guys are speaking for Satan."

Nny chuckled "We get that a lot." He looked at Edgar's shirt and said "That's a Christian punk band right?"

Edgar nodded "Headnoise, yeah. Though I like a lot of different types of music not associated with religious beliefs as well."

Nny raised his hand to scratch his nose. The sound of footsteps made both men turn. Arin came up behind Nny and gave Edgar a wave.

Edgar waved back slowly- not sure what to do with his hands.

"So I got the cookie dough."

"What? Where was it?" Nny was confused, he already got it?

"It was over there..?" Arin pointed to the other end of the aisle.

"Shit…" Nny extended the word with a sigh

"Yeah- walk a little more, you would've found it."

"Shut the fuck up asshole I was having a nice conversation with a fan."

Nny turned back around, Edgar was digging through the cheese- Swiss was probably not what he wanted.

Edgar stopped when he felt eyes on him. He turned to Nny and Arin and asked

"Uh..you all ok..?"

Arin nodded and Nny nudged him "Go introduce yourself."

Arin moved to Edgar and held out his hand for him to shake. Edgar took Arin's hand, he looked like he was going to pass out.

"Nailbunny, or off stage, Arin. Nice to meet you."

Edgar nodded. 

"Hey it's ok, I'm not gonna scream at you."

He nodded again.

Nny waved Arin over.

"I think he's trying to process the look of us off stage."

Arin nodded, Edgar had turned back to the cheese. His face wasn't knitted up anymore, he was more focused on finding whatever he was looking for. Arin whispered

"He probably doesn't talk to people much. Though, we need to get going or Derek is gonna throw a fit. You wanna say goodbye?"

"Yeah- I'll walk back actually. I need to clear my head. Talking with Tess made me fucking drained."

Arin made a concerned face.

"You gonna come back to the hotel if I leave you here? Because I don't want what happened last-"

Nny cut him off. 

"It won't. I took my meds today."

Arin nodded and put his hand on Nny's shoulder. 

"Ok. Stay safe and if you need me I'll be awake for a while. Don't hesitate to call if you feel unlike yourself."

Nny shrugged off Arin's hand and said "Thanks Arin. I'll keep that in mind."

Nny turned back to the cheese and Edgar was gone. Probably got what he needed. He sighed. He'd walk around the store for a while.

When Nny exited the store he saw Edgar sitting on the curb, eating the cheese he picked straight out of the bag. Nny walked over to him and sat down. Edgar looked over and only briefly acknowledged him. 

_ What happened? _

Nny usually didn't converse with other people based on how they looked like they were doing. Edgar looked irritated. His mood did a complete 180 it seemed. After a while of sitting silently Edgar spoke up.

"I guess I got the cheese for myself after all."

"What happened?"

Edgar pushed up his glasses and sighed.

"A family member of mine doesn't agree with my way of expression. He's at the house right now, my abuela said she'd call me when he's gone."

Nny nodded "I understand. My mom didn't appreciate the way I expressed myself either. Will you be alright?"

Edgar nodded and asked, holding the bag of cheese slices out "You want some? I'm going to be eating all of this. If you don't want it that's fine though."

"Oh no I'm having some, I'm fucking hungry."

Edgar scoffed, but like he was trying to hide a laugh. He smiled and gave Nny the bag.

"..Are you going to need anything else?"

Nny dug through the bag and practically shoved the cheese in his face. He looked over and swallowed.

"No, that's ok. I don't eat a lot. But that's normal for me so trying to force it makes me puke."

Edgar nodded. 

The rest of the night was spent walking around the area until Edgar had to leave. Nny returned to the hotel on his own. Walking up to the room and slowly opening the door, Nny sighed.

The room was dark, the light from the hallway made it easier to step over Derek's shoes. Closing it behind himself Nny thought about Edgar. He was actually really nice, he didn't shove his religion down Nny's throat either. Taking his shoes off when he sat on the bed, Arin groaned and sat up.

"Oh...you're here..that's good," Arin sniffed and rubbed his face "..You..uh..you gonna stay up or..?"

Nny shook his head and popped his knuckles.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm too tired for that shit now-" Nny took off his socks and shoved Arin with each space in his sentence "..fucking-move-over." 

Arin moved and Nny laid down. He didn't like sleeping in the same bed as someone else

Though it was either Arin or the brothers and Nny didn't feel like getting kicked off the bed. So Arin it was. Arin turned over and covered Nny with the blanket. Nny didn't feel comfortable with a lot of Arin's gestures, too motherly for him. What he didn't expect was Arin getting up and..

"Are you laying on the fucking floor, Arin?"

Arin hummed in confirmation.

"..why in the hell are you doing that..?"

Arin got situated and said "You feel uncomfortable in bed with other people. I'm alleviating the tension."

Nny sat up and looked at Arin with annoyance.

"You've never 'alleviated the tension' before, what the fuck changed?"

Arin waved his hand dismissively.

"I've just thought it over. I wasn't sure how to bring it up so I just did it."

Nny appreciated the sentiment but he wasn't going to have his bandmate camp out on the floor.

"Thanks..but you're getting the fuck back in this bed. Just make sure to stay on your side."

Arin sighed and got back up on the bed.


	3. Maybe With Some Help, It'll Work Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heavy stuff this chapter. More Angst because I live off it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My poor dude Arin man..gotta make him angsty though. Frickin Derek too jeez but I'm not sorry ha

Nny got woken up by Derek and Andrew arguing.

"No. Fuck you Andrew- fuck you and your stupid fucking feelings you fucking waste of _ mother fucking space. _"

Nny got up immediately.

Andrew was actually very sensitive. Especially to some of the things Derek told him.

Nny walked up to Andrew and he saw his eyes go empty. He turned back to Derek and Nny held his arms to avoid physical conflict.

"..what the _ hell _is wrong with you Derek."

Derek made Nny let go of him and gritted out 

"..That fucking piece of shit wants to go _ home. _ He knows _ damn _ well where that is and we can't go back there."

They were 'discussing' Krik's house he assumed.

"Ok. Where's Arin?"

Andrew spoke up, but it lacked all the general emotions when talking about Arin. It made Nny concerned.

"He went down to the ATM in town to get gas money. He told us he'd be back soon."

Nny sat Andrew down and pulled Derek into the bathroom. Derek sat on the tub and Nny sat on the counter.

"What the actual _ fuck _ Derek?"

Derek sighed and the tears came, he'd been holding them in for weeks.

"..I don't wanna go back there- fuckin'..not yet."

Nny nodded.

"..I don't want to see what that fucking _ bitch _ moved and threw away."

"Tess. Her name is Tess."

"What the fuck ever Nny." Derek's voice broke and Nny felt bad that he didn't feel the same way about Krik. It'd make it easier to understand Derek's emotional state.

"Ok. We know that you're upset. You're fucking devastated. But so is Andrew. You don't need to act all strong for him. What you do need to do is let the fucking feelings out otherwise they'll fucking fester like an infection."

Derek laughed, it was a little hopeful.

"..you got that self help shit from Arin didn't you?"

Nny smiled and said "Maybe a little. I'm also speaking from experience."

"That's ok. Just don't fucking turn _ into _Arin. We only need one fucking nerd."

"He's the mom friend- not a nerd. He's the nurse."

"That's true. Fucking true." Derek nodded and rubbed his face.

"The hell do I tell Andrew?"

Nny got off the counter and shrugged. 

"Just tell him. Be blunt about _ your _ feelings- don't be an asshole about his."

Derek got up as well and asked "..you get that from Arin too?"

Nny shook his head. "Nope- experience."

Derek nodded and they both exited the bathroom. Andrew was sitting on his side of the bed scribbling in his sketchbook, headphones on and humming. It looked like he calmed down a little. If the tune of a Monsters and Men song was anything to go by.

Nny whispered "..Is that 'Yellow Light'?"

Derek shrugged "..He listens to pansy shit but it calms him down...how do you know the name of the song?"

"He showed me which songs to play if you weren't around. Yellow Light is a good one."

Derek looked to the floor. He looked saddened by that. Nny assumed it was because he knew the reason for the songs and Derek didn't. That a friend knew more about his brother than he did. Nny was probably right.

Derek walked slowly up to Andrew as the song faded out. He sat at the foot of the bed and Nny got the go ahead to sit down too. They all sat together in silence before Derek spoke.

"I'm sorry. Andrew. I'm so fucking sorry."

Andrew lifted his head to Nny and he nodded.

"..I'm sorry too- I know I shouldn't make everything about how I feel and what I want to do. You can hit me now if you want. I won't hit back."

Derek's face tensed. 

"..Andy- I'm not gonna hit you. Fuckin'-..I..Look..I'm gonna say this now, call me a little bitch later."

Nny kept his mouth shut. He was witnessing a particularly private moment. He was surprised that Arin wasn't here to see it.

"I'm fucking scared Andy. I don't wanna go back home and see all Krik's things moved. It'll feel like he was never there and we never had anything with him. Does that fuckin' make sense…? Like he's been wiped off the face of the fucking earth and we're the only fuckin..,"

Derek's voice cracked and the tears fell again.

"..Only fuckin' people who knew him and the shit he did. What he meant to us. I don't want that fucking ruined."

Andrew nodded and moved his book to give Derek a hug.

"..Thank you for telling me how you felt."

Nny held his breath and hoped to whoever would listen that Arin wouldn't bust through the door right now.

They hugged for a while. They ended up crying together. To Nny, this was the Twilight Zone level twisted and backwards. They would probably be back to verbally killing each other soon but this, right now- was very unlike either of them and it was borderline creepy.

They straightened themselves out and Nny was looking through Andrew's sketches when they turned back to him.

"..oh..you've been here the whole time?" Andrew looked- for lack of a better word- _ horrified. _

Nny shrugged and said "I like the one in the corner."

Andrew took the book back slowly. The drawing in the corner was of Arin but as an actual bunny.

Derek looked at Nny and it was like silently saying _ thank you_.

Nny nodded and got up.

"I'm gonna go call Arin. He needed to be here 2 hours ago."

The brothers nodded together and as Nny stepped out he heard Derek expressing interest in Andrew's sketches.

Nny sat down in the hall as he dialed Arin's number.

'_ Hello?' _

"Where the hell have you been Arin? I just had to sit through the brother's being fucking creepy with their little heart to heart. Why are you not back yet?"

_ 'wait what..?' _

"Answer my fucking question Arin."

_ 'It's..it's-..ok I have no excuse this time and I'm sorry.' _

"You _ didn't. _"

'_ I did. I woke up from a fucking horrible nightmare Nny. You guys were fucking dead. It was dark and I freaked out. It..it bled into my reality again. You guys were bleeding and fucking..fucking gutted.' _

"Did you cut deep?"

_ 'No..but it's gonna need a lot of gauze.' _

"Just..get back here and..fucking hell. Just come back and I'll see what the hotel has."

Arin hung up and Nny sighed. He got up and went back into the room. He loudly got both brother's attention.

"So! Arin had a hallucination nightmare again and he cut his wrists. He's been gone for so long, apparently because he thinks we'll hate him or something."

The brothers turned to each other and Andrew gave a worried glance.

Nny sat on his and Arin's bed and asked "..you know something about that?"

Andrew nodded and Derek slammed his hands on the bed.

"Why didn't you fucking tell us?"

Andrew whispered out "..He knew you'd get angry. He said that if he told you or Nny, you'd hit him and say that he was making it harder on everyone else."

Derek drew back and turned to Nny "..he knows I'd never say that to him, right?"

Nny shrugged. "I know, but he's afraid. He said we were gutted."

"Oh.."

"Yeah."

Andrew looked at Nny as well.

"You've known him the longest- what do we do- how do we act?"

Nny sighed and said "Be supportive. But whatever you do- do _ not _ mention anything about how you feel about his wrists. Just do what you did last time."

Nny hoped since Arin got back on his meds he'd be better. The brothers had joined him when they were all still in high school- but Arin drifted from the group when he had to move back with his parents. He wasn't allowed to see anyone for 4 years. His schizophrenia was genetic, and somewhat induced by his parents being worried that he'd go killing people. Locking him inside when he was showing signs wasn't a good thing but his mother had died and the stepmother said it'd be best. His father didn't know it was genetic before his aunt finally said something.

Arin tried his best to hide his scars. He had them pointed out in public before, several times. Most of them were deep and they were stitched up by Arin himself. Arin told Nny that he was ashamed of what he did. Nny told him to never be ashamed of something like that. It wasn't something that just magically went away. Derek never knew- at least not until Arin freaked out on him when he was off his meds for a week. Andrew didn't need that outburst to know. He was the one to clean up Arin's blood off the tub in several hotel rooms. Nny was the only one trusted enough to handle him and get his prescription at the local pharmacy before they hit the road at anytime.

Derek snapped Nny out of his thoughts and Nny continued "..he doesn't like the fact that it's his only coping mechanism that- sadly- works. He doesn't want you guys to think of him ask weak. He's ashamed of what he's done to himself."

"But we'd never do that to him, he can always come to us." Andrew messed with his hair and looked at Derek.

"Yeah. We understand. I tried telling him that but he didn't take my offer. I guess he was scared?"

Nny nodded. "Yeah, probably. He's gonna be here soon. I need to go to the staff and ask for medical shit. If he gets here before I come back- act normal and offer him a cup of water. Don't hug him, don't mention anything. Just let him breathe. Be there but don't make noise unless he asks you for something. Ok?"

The brothers nodded and Nny got up and ran out of the room.


	4. Have At The Meds Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second time meeting Edgar- Arin gets his meds- finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually don't go with my mama to pick up my meds so I'm not sure how pharmacies work oof

The staff gave Nny a few things of gauze and antibiotic ointment to use and he ran through the front entrance as Arin was pulling up.

He took one look at Arin and thought _ didn't cut deep my ass. _ Arin stumbled out of the truck and Nny got him back to the room, all while Arin was crying and saying he was sorry.

They went back to his house as soon as his wrists were bandaged and the room was cleaned. Nny thought the timing to leave couldn't have been better. Their last show was yesterday and Nny was grateful. He liked touring but this time around was a disaster. Good thing the last show spot was in the same city as Arin's house. 

They all got out of the truck and left their stuff to pick up and put away later. Arin was put in his room. He reassured everyone that he was fine being alone. Nny didn't think so but let him go, he kept the music low just in case he needed to listen for him. The brothers were sitting on the couch eating the pasta Arin brought.

"Will he be ok?" Andrew put his bowl down on a coaster as he asked.

"Yeah, he'll be passed out for a while though. He finally told me that his meds ran out a few days ago."

Derek sighed "Is that why he told me he heard scratches when we were alone on Thursday?"

Nny nodded. Andrew held up his hand and sneezed.

"Sorry- uh..so can you tell us what to look for when he's off his medications so we can help? We never really got any of that info the last time."

The next 2 hours were spent explaining schizophrenia and what Arin's triggers were.

When Arin woke up he had his prescription paper from the psych doctor in his hand.

"..can uh..one of you get my meds..? I uh..I don't want to leave the house right now I'm sorry."

Nny got up before the brothers even registered how absolutely _ wrecked _ Arin looked.

"I got it. Go eat and have Derek change your bandages."

Arin then looked like he was about to get hit by a car. Derek saw and said as quickly as he could, "I don't mind Arin. Really. I'm not mad at you. C'mon," Derek got up and motioned for Arin to follow him. "..if you're gonna make me and Andrew eat the shit you packed you're gonna eat it to. I'll make it for you if you stay in the kitchen so I know where your shit is."

Arin looked at Nny and Nny took the paper and said quietly "..it's ok, he knows what you'll need. I let them know."

Arin nodded as tears came out. 

"..I'm uh..not sure to be thankful that you told them or to be mad that you told them without me there."

Nny smiled a little "..you can decide while I'm gone. Now go before Derek burns the house down using the microwave."

Derek stompped to the kitchen door and said "I fuckin' heard that you fuckin' bitch- you wanna be a man and say that to my fuckin' face?"

Andrew burst out laughing, and thankfully Arin started to laugh too.

"I'll kick your ass when I get back."

Derek smiled and went back and shouted "Uncle Rossi didn't teach me how to curb stomp fuckers for no reason I hope you know that!"

Nny laughed and shouted back "Yeah yeah, you and Andrew were mafia born I got it- your pasta makin' ass has no clearance kicking mine since I'll shove that box of fettuccine up yours if you try!"

And as Nny patted Arin on the shoulder and headed out the door he heard Derek shout 'Fuck you!' 

-

Nny got off the bus and walked the rest of the way to the pharmacy. The weather was nice today, it was a little overcast. As he entered the pharmacy he immediately went to the medication counter and placed the paper down in front of the pharmacist. 

He looked Nny up and down and looked back to his computer when he put the number in.

"..is your name 'Arin Morris'..?"

"No. But I'm here to pick up his medication."

"What's your name?"

"Johnny Caraballo."

"I'm sorry sir but you're not listed as a pick up."

"Is it because Arin didn't put my last name in?"

"It doesn't list you at all."

"Ok- fuck give me a second to call him."

"Ok- I'm going to need to talk with him."

"Yeah."

Nny dug out his phone and called Arin. He picked up after a few rings.

"Hey dipshit you didn't list my name so I could pick your shit up."

Nny heard the brothers yelling about a..WWE match?

_ 'Sorry Nny- forgot to update the new pharmacist. Let me talk to him.' _

Nny handed the phone to the pharmacist and it took a moment but Nny was put in the system to pick up Arin's medication again.

"Yes, thank you, have a good day sir."

The pharmacist handed Nny the phone back and said "My name is Teddy. Sorry for the inconvenience, I was told not to give people medication without proper identification."

Nny nodded and sighed "I understand."

"I'll be right back with the prescription."

"Thanks."

Teddy turned around and said "Wait the insurance doesn't cover all the cost- do you have a credit card? Or cash?"

Nny pinched the bridge of his nose and held up a finger to say _ give me a minute _ and took out his phone again.

"Hey, yeah- what's the pin to your credit card?"

Arin told him a string of numbers and Teddy put them in as Nny said them back.

After Nny hung up Teddy gave him a white bag with a receipt stapled to it. Nny said goodbye and he walked away.

The sound of chains and boots made him turn around. He passed the cold medicine section and stopped. He peeked over to the next aisle and saw _ what's his name again..? Ed-..Edgar there we go. _ Edgar was wearing something different today- jeans with a black shirt. His cross was still there, no earrings this time. No makeup. His chains looked heavier, different. His boots weren't the same either- industrial, work boots. He looked tired. Maybe he got off work.

He walked up and said "Hey!"

Edgar dropped the box of pills he was holding.

"Uh-..uh- Hello-" 

Nny picked up the box of Tylenol and handed it to Edgar.

"How are you?" Nny smiled- he actually kinda liked this guy.

Edgar took the box and smiled back "I'm alright, are you doing good?"

Nny nodded "Yeah, just had to pick up a prescription for Arin."

Edgar looked concerned "Is he ok? Did he get sick?"

Nny shook his head and said "No but he'll be fine once he gets these so it's fine."

"Ok that's good, could you tell him I said hello?"

Nny laughed a little and said "Yeah, I'll do that. Arin'll be happy to hear from you."

Edgar smiled. He looked at the box of Tylenol and whispered to himself.

"Hey uh.. I really like talking to you, and the reason for this question isn't because I'm a fan. I'd really like to be able to call you..uh.." Edgar trailed off and looked back to the box.

Nny thought about it for a second. He really did like Edgar. He decided to give it a shot.

"Sure. What's your number?"

Nny handed him his phone to Edgar and he nodded, muttered "Thank you." Like he won a prize. Nny thought it was funny. He looked at the clock on the wall and looked back to Edgar. He was pushing up his glasses as he put in the last few digits. He handed the phone back and smiled. Nny looked at the time again and sighed.

"I have to go, I'll see you around."

Edgar nodded and reached to shake Nny's hand. Nny took it and noted how rough Edgar's hands were. _ Maybe he works outside. That'd explain the change of clothing- maybe the Tylenol too. _

"Have a good day Nny."

"You too Edgar."

With that Nny left the pharmacy and took the bus back to Arin's.


	5. The Dark Moves With Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again with the heavy stuff- a little light stuff too but mostly angst. Edgar gets to meet the brothers this chapter-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May I also mention that most of Arin's experiences are mine. I had a form of psychosis but the name of it was never given to me so schizophrenia is the closest term I have. 
> 
> The way I write Arin's breaks are the way I remember experiencing mine so if they don't match up to your experiences or expectations for this type of mental health issue don't yell at me that 'it's wrong' because I'm taking it from myself. Not everyone's experiences are the same.
> 
> (Also! The street mentioned here was the street I lived on when I was younger! And yes this takes place in Nevada- I'm also mentioning now that the brothers have a Massachusetts accent because I can.)

Nny got back half an hour later. The house was almost quiet- a show was playing on low volume. Everyone was in the living room, passed out. Dishes of dinner and an ice cream carton was on the coffee table with alcohol and a 2 liter of sprite. Nny stepped slowly through the mess of shoes and socks.

_ Fucking Derek needs to put his shit somewhere else. _

Setting the bag down where Arin could see it Nny went to the spare bedroom and crashed.

Nny woke up, it was completely dark. Some time had passed. The only downside to taking his medication was the drowsiness. He didn't like taking them on tours, even if he really needed to. He'd perform worse when he took them, Arin made him tell the audience one tour. Arin said a good majority of the fans understood sent him letters expressing sympathy. Nny threw most of them in a lock box, he didn't want people he didn't know pity him for something he's able to manage. The letters he did keep out were drawings- Arin mentioned that drawings made Nny happy. 

_ Thanks Arin, now I have to hang them up on the fucking fridge _. 

He wouldn't tell anyone, but an old friend of his sent him a care package. It was still at his house. Devi always made the best packages. 

Getting up after fighting the urge to move at all was more taxing than Nny thought it'd be. He got his socks off after he realized he slept in them.

_ Fucking stop sleeping in your socks dumbass. _

Arin, and even Andrew said that he had routines. Apparently taking his socks off when he slept was one of them. 

Nny groaned and shook his head to wake up more. Stepping out of the spare room, Nny heard the TV again, louder this time. He looked over to the living room and saw an episode of 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'. Nny looked to the couch and saw Derek with a blanket over him, Andrew too. Arin was nowhere, gone. Nny was shocked with anxiety and he looked for they keys to the truck. They were gone too. He ran outside to see if Arin was really _ gone _. The truck was still there- Arin probably had the keys in his pocket. Nny ran around the yard. No one was there to clean up the brush and twigs, they cut into his feet. The dirt was everywhere. 

_ I hate Las Vegas- I hate Nevada- fucking hate Arin right now. _

Nny went to the road and started down it towards where Arin usually went when he was in one of his shifts.

When Arin had a breakdown, he'd run- he said he never stayed in the house, had no explanation for it. He just ran. Nny hoped the neighbor who usually caught him, did this time. He looked and saw the lights off at the guy's house _ shit. _

Nny ran for what could amount to, with breaks, 2 hours looking for Arin. Nny pulled out his phone, he hoped to God. He hoped to fucking God Edgar was wake. That he could help him find Arin. Arin was never gone this long. 

_ Why don't you call the police instead? _

Nny swatted the air. He responded aloud to the inner voice's question.

"Because! They don't care! They can't do shit- I have to file a report and Arin'll have to go to a fucking mental institution. He doesn't deserve to be locked in a padded room, he deserves help!" 

Nny was out of breath. He dialed Edgar's number and hoped he picked up for unknown numbers at 2 AM. 

It took a moment but Edgar's chalky voice answered.

_ "..Hola..?" _

Nny sighed in relief 

"Hey Edgar, it's Nny- hey look I need to ask you for a favor."

_ '..uh..yeah..just..yeah..go on..' _

"Ok- do you have a car?"

_ 'Yeah..why? You ok..?' _

"My fucking feet are bleeding but I'm not worried about that. Arin's gone and he has the keys to the truck."

Edgar's voice was more awake when Nny responded. He sounded confused and worried.

_ 'I'll uh..just give me a few minutes- where are you?' _

Nny looked at the street sign "..Fenton Lane and Daisy Field Drive."

_ 'Ok good. I know where that is- My cousin lives over there. I'll be there in 10 minutes. Stay where you are if you can.' _

"Ok thank you, I'll find a way to pay you back."

Nny heard a groan from Edgar and he sounded a little irritated.

_ '..Just let me get there first..ay dios mio..' _

Nny noted the accent- he guessed Edgar spoke Spanish when he was at home. Nny needed to calm down. Edgar's voice was something to focus on.

_ 'Would you like me to stay on the phone with you until I get there?' _

"Yeah..please."

Nny didn't really want to explain something as private to Arin as his schizophrenia to an almost complete stranger. Edgar was bound to ask questions when they'd either find Arin wandering, or dead.

_ No don't fucking think about how fucked Arin could be. How dead he could be. _

_ 'Ay- are you still with me?' _

Nny shook his head and responded "Yeah..just..how far away are you?"

Nny saw light coming from behind him and turned around to see Edgar hang up and pull up beside him.

Nny got in the car and said "Ok now this is gonna sound really bad, but trust me he's probably fine. But Arin's got schizophrenia- he got back on his meds today- that's why I was at the pharmacy. He ran off when everyone was passed out and he's not at his usual place. Can you help me find him?"

Edgar blinked. He nodded. He cursed in Spanish. He started the car and asked, sort of like he was in pain, "Where do you think he went?"

Nny sighed and said "If he wasn't at his neighbor's house, then he's probably wandering through someone else's yard. Hopefully a yard that doesn't have shit in it that could hurt him."

Edgar nodded again and drove.

Nny tried to look for Arin. He tried to keep his mind on track. He tried to not overthink everything. Edgar had to stop the car when Nny started to have issues breathing. 

"Ok ok- here- it'll taste disgusting but I need you to take this."

Edgar reached into the glove compartment and pulled out an inhaler.

He gave it to Nny and Nny took it, he coughed and made a face.

"And one more time. You need to hold it for a few seconds- it's ok." Edgar spoke softly, he put his hand on Nny's shoulder to steady him and Nny jumped.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry I was trying to get you to calm down I didn't mean to startle you."

Nny nodded and took the inhaler again.

Edgar put it away and started driving again. 

It took another hour to find Arin. He was passed out on the sidewalk, his feet and ankles were..shredded. Nny dragged him to the car and placed him in the back seat. Edgar was very concerned. Nny got back in the front seat and looked at his feet. They were dirty, dried blood felt very uncomfortable.

"..Nny?"

"Hm.."

"You want me to take you guys back to your house now?"

"Please."

Edgar nodeed "Ok. You'll have to lead the way."

Nny sighed and said "Yeah..uh..thanks. I didn't know who else to call at that moment."

"No worries, I don't mind. I just didn't know how to process what you were saying at first. I'm sorry if I sounded rude."

Nny laughed "Edgar- you're fine. You helped me and Arin a lot this morning. I can't thank you enough for that."

Edgar smiled, it was a tired one. "No need. I'll be here whenever you need me."

As Edgar drove, Nny looked at him. His hair was a little messy. His glasses weren't pushed up. He was wearing an oversized white t-shirt and black shorts. He was sleeping before Nny woke him up. Nny felt kinda bad about that actually.

_ He said it was fine- so it's fine. _

Edgar helped Nny carry Arin inside. The lights were turned on and the brothers woke up. Andrew took one look at Arin and he kicked Derek to get him to wake up more. Derek kicked back and got up. After Arin's feet were bandaged and he was put on the couch so Nny could keep an eye on him, they all sat in the kitchen.

Andrew was the first to ask. 

"..who is he?" 

Nny looked at Edgar. "His name is Edgar. I met him 2 days ago."

Derek sighed "Arin's not gonna be happy that you fuckin' inlisted a fuckin' stranger to pick him up at his most vulnerable time."

Nny slammed his hand on the table as he stood up.

"You don't think that I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK ABOUT THAT YOU PIECE OF SHIT?"

His voice rang through the house and Andrew set him down and shushed him, he pointed to the living room and said "Shut up for one second Nny. Just- lower your voice. Arin'll hear you."

Nny took a breath and nodded. 

Edgar moved to get up but Derek sat him down as well.

"You're not going anywhere until you promise me that you won't _ speak _ of this to _ anyone. _"

"Derek! What the fuck?"

Andrew pulled him away from Edgar and Derek was about to hit him when Edgar stood up and separated them. Nny watched as this happened, shocked Edgar had the guts to do that.

"We don't need this right now. Arin is on the other side of the door. We need to calm down."

Derek shoved him "We don't need to do _ shit. _ You better fucking watch what you say to me you fucking Evangelical reject."

Nny got up as Edgar crossed his arms and looked to the floor.

"Derek. He didn't do anything to you. He helped me find Arin- he helped me not have a fucking panic attack, he didn't say anything about the blood in _ his _car. Say fucking thank you for once."

Andrew moved over to Edgar and slowly sat him down. He got him a drink and patted his shoulder.

It was gonna be a very long night.


	6. Keep The Ghosts In The Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is another heavy chapter- because no one in this fic can catch a break apparently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm posting chapter 6 and 7 because I'm going to the dentist and I won't be able to write properly for a few days.
> 
> Thank you Z for the very lovely comment I hope these two chapters are good enough ^^

After everyone settled and Edgar went home, Nny finally fell asleep. His mind was jelly at this point. When he woke up _ Led Zeppelin's _ ' _ Stairway To Heaven' _ was playing softly through the house. _ Arin's awake. _

Nny got out of bed and put on a shirt. He stepped out of the room and went to the living room. He sat on the armrest and said "You're gonna kill me with your Zeppelin kick you know that right?"

Arin smiled a little, he started to softly sing

"_ Your head is humming and it won't go in case you don't know." _

Nny laughed a little. Arin actually had a very nice, soft voice. His way of singing matched the likes of The Flamingos, he really liked The Marvelettes and would sing _ 'Please Mister Postman' _ when he cleaned.

_ "The piper's calling you to join him. Dear lady can't you hear the wind blow? and did you know," _

Nny sang the last part of the verse with Arin.

_ "Your stairway lies on the whispering wind." _

Arin turned down the volume and sighed.

"I'm sorry Nny.."

Nny moved Arin's arm and sat next to him. Arin was trying to keep the tears in. Nny put his arm around Arin and he leaned into him, letting the tears out. 

"I'm-..so s-sorry Nny I di-..didn't wanna l..leave the house-.."

Arin's hiccuping between breaths made it hard to understand him at first. Nny hated seeing him this way. 

"It's ok. Your inner voices are not you. I know you don't mean to leave."

The garage door opened and Derek stepped through. Arin tried to stop crying but it only made him worse.

"Ay! Andrew's got some shi-"

Derek looked at Nny and Arin on the couch and whispered a curse. Derek sat down on the floor and held Arin's hand.

"Hey Arin. You wanna have some cannolis with us?"

Arin wiped his face and nodded.

"Ok, let me see your feet for a second."

Nny got up with a pat to his shoulder by Andrew. He took him to the bedroom and asked

"So about Edgar-..is he gonna check up on Arin?"

Nny shrugged "I think I'll give him a few days to rest. He got woken up on a work day remember? He builds sheds and shit for houses."

"Ohh- right. Yeah. You think if you ask him to come over sometime this week we could all hang out?"

Nny gave a confused look "You want him back over here?"

Andrew smiled "Yeah! He's really friendly."

Nny laughed and said "Maybe. We'll see if he has any set days off."

Andrew nodded and said "Ok. I have to get the rest of the groceries out of the truck."

Nny nodded and followed Andrew out of the room. Arin was getting carried (and protesting it) by Derek to the kitchen to eat. Nny smiled a little at that. Usually after a mental break, Arin wouldn't let anyone touch him. Something about sensory issues. It was nice to see he wasn't freaking out on Derek. 

They all eventually got settled in the kitchen and started to put the groceries away. 

"Arin- I got you actual food so you better use it, I can't stomach you eating that boxed shit."

Derek was shoving all sorts of things in Arin's fridge, fruits and vegetables, breads and little snacks. Andrew was going in and out the back door, taking the trash out. Nny sat with Arin at the table eating. When the brothers were done they sat with them to eat as well.

Nny got up to put his plate in the sink when his phone rang.

"Hello?"

_ '..Hey, Nny.' _

"Tess? Hey- are you alright?"

_ 'Yeah. I'm just calling to tell you that Krik's parents wanted to arrange a sort of- what's it called? A get together but after a funeral?' _

"..uh..I'm not sure- all my family members who died were cremated so we only did visits once in a while."

Nny heard Derek mutter and he ignored him.

"So what does this have to do with us?"

_ 'Krik's mom wanted the brothers to be there.' _

"I thought Krik's parents didn't like them- why are they getting invited to a death centric after party?"

_ 'I swear to God Nny- just let them know please.' _

"Alright fine. Don't expect anything though. They've both been having issues. Have a good day Tess, talk soon."

They said their goodbyes and Nny went back to the dining table. Derek looked at him suspiciously and asked in a mocking way,

"So who the fuck was that?"

Nny sat back down "Tess."

Andrew cut Derek off before he could yell "..is she ok?"

Nny nodded and said "Yeah- apparently Kirk's parents want you two to go down to their place to have a get together."

Derek stood and slammed his hands on the table, Arin jumped and Derek's voice was raised. "The funeral was 2 months ago- why in God's name do those fucking shit heads want us to go to some fucking meet up down in Michigan when they didn't even fucking-.."

Andrew sat Derek down gently and he continued softly "..let us attend the funeral.."

Arin spoke eventually "Maybe they realized their mistake and decided to hold something so you both could go and pay respects the proper way."

Derek got back up and stormed off to the spare room. Andrew got up as well and went to sit in the living room. Arin and Nny sat and finished the food. Arin gave him the rest of his and went to his room. Nny stepped outside when everyone's dishes were put away and called Edgar.

He hoped he had time to talk. Nny really didn't want to kill another cat.


	7. Being No One, Going Nowhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV switching a bunch with this chapter I'm so sorry aa 
> 
> We get to see how Edgar's doing, how Derek is doing, how Arin is doing- and a special small introduction by someone very important <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hello again! I'm having fun with this ha
> 
> I've been trying to pin down how Andrew feels but it's difficult oof. I know cannotically D-Boy is older than Mr. Eff but I switched it because I forgot at the time ha
> 
> Also excuse my poor understanding of Spanish- I have a book on how to speak it properly I'm just no good at retaining info that way. I'll try to learn (I really like the culture and find the language really interesting ^^) so maybe by doing this I'll finally be able to!
> 
> (Also also- for the Instagram tag! The abbreviation is messed up on accident- since I went through 5 different title changes for this fic I messed it up aa but it's #jthmdefau for those of you interested in seeing concept art and cosplays of everyone!)

Edgar was at work when he got a call from Nny. 

"Hello?"

_ 'Hey. I need to talk to you.' _

Edgar put down the toolbox he was carrying and sat on the back of his car.

"..yeah- what's the matter? You sound unsettled."

'_Are you at work?'_

"Yeah, I was going to finish putting shingles on the roof of the shed I'm building but I can take a break for a few."

'_Ok. I won't keep you long.'_

Edgar listened and tried to understand as much as he could. Nny was dealing with a lot. 

"I think I understand. I can't tell you that it'll get better right away but I'm always here if you ever need to talk."

'_Thank you, I appreciate it. I'll let you get back to work.'_

"Ok. Have a good day Nny."

Nny gave the same sentiment, then hung up.

Edgar got back to work and prayed for Nny, even if he didn't believe in the Lord. When Edgar was done he went home. Parking his car and going inside he thought about maybe dropping by sometime to hang out with everyone. The group was really nice, Derek less so but still respectable when not aggravated. 

"Abuelita! Aqui estoy!"

She answered back and came out of the living room to greet him. She lead him to the living room and handed him clean pajamas and told him to take a shower and get changed. He turned to leave and she added to be ready for dinner soon. He gave her a smile and she smiled back.

They had dinner and he talked to her about Nny and how he wasn't doing so well. He asked for advice and if he should pray more. She gave him a small look of off put disappointment but tried to be understanding. She told him that yes, he should pray more for Nny. She also advised to be careful around such unstable people. He nodded and continued to eat. After they were done Edgar did dishes and went to bed.

He prayed for Nny and his friends. They were going through a rough patch. He got in bed and it took a moment for him to fall asleep but it came to him eventually.

-

Derek slept for a long while. He got up at mid afternoon. He walked out of the room and got a shirt from the laundry basket in the hallway. 

"..Afternoon everyone."

Arin was eating a sandwich while Nny was watching _ 'Murder, She Wrote' _ with Andrew while they came up with album cover ideas.

They turned to Derek and Nny said, annoyed "When will you get it through your head that I don't appreciate you walking around in your fucking underwear all the time?"

"Shut the fuck up Nny, seriously- it's fucking 90 degrees in this fucking house. I'm not wearing fucking pants."

Arin cut Nny off before he could argue any further and shrugged "I have shorts you could wear. At least until you actually have to put on pants."

Derek raised his hands, "Fuckin' fine- fuckin' pansy ass mother fuckers. Oh no! I'm in fuckin' _ underwear _ the world's gonna fuckin' _ end. _"

Arin got up and took him to the laundry room.

"You doing ok Derek?"

Derek sat on the dryer and shrugged "I'm peachy-fucking-keen Arin, just fucking fine."

Arin sighed and took Derek by the hand and tugged him off the dryer and looked him in the eyes. Being taller than a lot of people had its advantages.

"Don't lie to me Derek. Never lie to me. I know what this is doing to you. I know _ exactly _ how you feel."

"_ Let go of me Arin or so help me I will smash your fucking head through the wall and break your fucking arms so you can't. get. out." _

Derek's tone was low and dangerous, they were inches from each other, past choking distance. 

"Derek. Please. You're hurting yourself this way."

"Who fucking cares? What if I like this pain? What if I fucking want to kill everyone I give a bit of fucking shit about just to be able to drown myself in it?"

Arin held his hands, he slid them up to his arms and set them on his shoulders. He decided what he was about to do was worth a shot.

"The fuck are you doing Arin?"

Arin seldom gave Derek hugs. Arin thought that when he did give them, they meant more. Sort of like a fair that comes to town only once every 4 years.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to go through this alone. We are all here for you."

Arin hugged Derek like he was never going to be seen again. Derek crumpled.

"-Why are you doing this? I just threatened you.."

Arin nodded "You did. Though, you do that at the best of times. I told you, remember? The first ever tour we did. I told you even if you threatened me, I would stay as long as I could. I know how it feels to be emotionally isolated yet chock full of it all at once."

Derek sighed "..you can let go now. I won't hurt you."

"I know."

Arin let go and got the shorts. They exited the laundry room, sat down with the others and they were a little better for the rest of the day.

-

The trip down to Michigan was tense. It was beyond tense but really that was the only word Andrew could describe it with. He and Arin were in the back, writing lyrics in a composition book.

_ For some time I've thought about that feeling _

_ The one that keeps me up at night _

_ If my plan fails and I don't cease being _

_ I'll place my bets to make it through another fight _

_ If I make it to tomorrow I'll try again to love you _

_ But I can't promise a lot _

_ I'll still try to love you like I used to. Even with the things making my mind rot. _

Nny had Arin and Andrew write the more emotionally heavy songs, he and Derek stuck to getting the aggression and violence through theirs. Arin and Andrew passed the book back and forth, fixing mistakes in flow or changing the phrases.

They stopped for gas and Nny had to make a phone call.

"Hey- yeah, no I'm fine.- Sorry I didn't call sooner.- It's very nice to hear from you too.- Look we need a place to crash for a few days while the brothers visit Krik's parents. Tenna still have the spare room cleaned?"

_ 'Yeah, she just cleaned out the other one too, which is probably really good for you guys. I'll get everything set up. When will you be here?' _

"Maybe in a few hours if Derek can stop making me pull over to get shit."

_ 'Ha! You're gonna die- alright alright so I'll see you soon then?' _

"No I won't but thanks Devi. I think being around friends will help everyone."

_ 'No problem Nny. I'll make sure Tenna doesn't get in Derek's face with her new stuffed animals and decorative socks.' _

"Thanks- I'll see you soon."

After Nny got back in the truck everyone else piled in. 

Andrew hoped that they'd get this over soon. He hated feeling like he was going to murder Krik's parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! To add here too -the lyrics that were written are actually mine. I write songs sometimes, I just can't play instruments or read notes so I don't make them full songs to listen to oof- flow is also really hard ha
> 
> And the title is in reference to the song by STRFKR! I get unexplained feelings from that song aa


	8. Trying, For The Sake Of Living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (This whole chapter is a dead dove do not eat situation aa)
> 
> Arriving to Michigan, the group run into some issues and don't handle it well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH BOY- There is a reason why I haven't updated this fic- this chapter is gonna be heavy- and I mean heavy. I wrote it as a vent piece that originally, I wasn't going to post but rewrite into a more suitable plot format. But that didn't feel right so I'm posting it but since I'm no good at tagging it's gonna be tagged as Dead Dove: Do Not Eat. 
> 
> also tw for drug overdose (mentioned), alcohol use, and physical altercations. (those I do know the tags for!)
> 
> What I can say in regards to the other thing I can't properly tag is that there is forced consent? like-..not sexual but the intent was there? nothing explicit happens but there is forced physical contact- again keep in mind that this is essentially a vent chapter so there is no sugar coating. Be careful with this one guys.

When everyone got up that morning it was like the world was put in monochrome. Nothing tasted right to Andrew. Nothing he put on or took off was comfortable. He finally settled on a short sleeved dress shirt and pants. He really wanted to puke when he got in Devi's van. Tenna tried to cheer him up with her skeleton stuffed animal but it didn't work very well. She eventually let Andrew be and messed with Nny instead. She waved goodbye to them as they drove away.

When they got there everyone went inside. Except for Arin, who was hesitant to go in. Devi stayed and eyed him curiously, "What's the matter Arin?"

"I've..uh.. never felt the same way as the brothers did when it came to Krik, he wasn't a very nice person. I just don't want to be stared at because I'm not crying."

Devi nodded and said "Yeah, hate to speak ill of the dead n'all but he was a huge douchebag. Like- he was probably nice at one point in his life but when we all knew him he was an asshole."

Arin sighed "Oh thank heavens I'm not the only one who noticed. Though Devi, what do I do?"

She opened the van door and said, "Just be sad at the fact that the brothers are in mourning and they're emotionally compromised. It works for me every time when I'm at the funeral of a person I don't especially care about."

Arin nodded and they both went inside.

* * *

The group of people already there was small. Derek sat the back porch with Krik's father. They were the only ones outside.

"So Derek, I know Krik was your friend, but I just wanted to say that the only reason you and your brother weren't invited to the funeral was because Andrew would've caused a scene and you never go anywhere without him."

Derek sat there in silence. At least he did, until he spoke. His voice was angry sounding, mixed with a little resentment.

"..That's fucked up Mike. That is very fucked up. Me and Andrew knew Krik for over 8 years. Sure, Andrew's got some issues but I know he would've been decent. You had no _ right _ no _ fucking right _ to keep us from paying respects to Krik."

Mike put his hands up in defense, "Ok, ok. Calm down. I understand. But I did have the right to keep you both from the funeral. Ronette wanted to keep the peace. But you can pay respects now, if it'll help you and Andrew sleep at night."

Derek shook his head and laughed in a mocking manner. "That'd be great but knowing how Krik died makes me and Andy hurt more than you think." He got up from the chair and went back inside.

* * *

Andrew was in the kitchen drinking the alcohol he brought in his flask. It was the strong kind, he was sort of feeling it in his toes at this point. Derek came in and said abruptly "Andy, we're fuckin' leaving. Right now."

Andrew steadied himself on the counter and said, "O-..uh..ok then-" 

Derek got him by the arms and lead him from the kitchen. Arin looked at Andrew from the dining area and sighed. He nodded to Krik's mother Ronette about things he didn't understand. They kept on their conversation.

"_ No- n-..fuckin'- fuckin' let me- go- I wanna-. I wanna go s-stab-..myself I can't- can't take this anymore-" _

Andrew's voice echoed through the house. He was struggling to get away from Derek. Nny grabbed Andrew's shoulders and Devi tried to talk Andrew down. She wasn't doing a very good job.

"Andrew, don't- at least wait until we get back to my place, blood is easier to clean off the tile than carpet."

Mike came rushing through and forced himself between Nny and Andrew, he spoke directly to both of the brothers in a hard tone of voice. "This is why you weren't allowed to attend the funeral. This right here. Krik would be ashamed of you both."

Andrew looked at Mike and laughed "He'd-..be ashamed? _ He'd be fucking ashamed?..- _ Hey at least..I'm not willing to die-..fr-from a fuckin'-..heroin overdose."

Derek dropped Andrew and said "Shut your mouth Andrew- fuckin' shut the fuck up right now."

Andrew got up and said "No!-..I'm gonna-..sa-..say this 'cause I know some- of us've been thi-..thinkin' it.."

Derek punched Andrew and Arin stepped in to break the brothers apart, yet Andrew continued nonetheless. He was a little under screaming at this point.

"Fuckin'-..I'm not s-stupid. I'm far from stupid. What h-he did to Tess was-..fuckin' disgusting. He beat her n'fuckin ca-called her all sorts..sorts of shit. She deserved-..fuckin' better. Krik-..Krik deserv-..ed prison."

Arin kept ahold of Andrew and didn't let anyone touch him. The room was quiet, Ronette was shedding tears silently.

Andrew turned to her and said "..'M sorry Ronnie-..I'm sorry yo-..your son turned out so- horrible."

Derek hit and kicked Andrew, his steel toed boots collided with his stomach. He screamed at him with tears.

"I said FUCKING SHUT UP ANDREW- YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR- KRIK WAS OUR FRIEND-"

Andrew wouldn't stop antagonizing "..Y-you ju-just can't admit t-that Krik was a piece of s-shit-..t-that you let him- him make you- an a-abusive fu-..fuckin' prick."

Arin shouted for Derek and Andrew to stop and tried to get up off the floor but he couldn't move Andrew. Nny hit Derek in the back of the head with a jade paperweight. He fell to the floor with a hard thud.

* * *

Andrew got in the van and leaned his head against the door. The blood that he puked up wasn't a very good sign. When everyone else got in they took him to the hospital. He only had bruises, the blood was from screaming and puking stomach acid. Derek was looked at too, Nny assured the doctors Andrew and Derek would be fine, even if they disagreed. After some paperwork was filed they all went back to Devi's and Tenna checked her for any injuries.

Derek was put in the second spare bedroom. Arin went into the first one to lay down.

He took off his formal clothing and put on his pajamas. His wrists were burning, so were his feet and ankles. He laid on the bed and drifted to sleep.

He was woken up by the bedding being moved. He turned over and saw Andrew getting in bed with him. 

"..What're you doing Andrew?"

"I don't- wanna be alone right now.."

Arin could tell he was still drunk and to avoid any conflict he let him get comfortable. Arin turned back around and closed his eyes. Andrew moved his body closer to Arin's and he sighed. He was more awake now.

"Andrew. You're in my personal bubble."

"Turn around."

"What?"

"Fuckin' turn around Arin.."

Arin turned around, Andrew's face was hollow and ghost like. He moved closer and pressed himself against Arin. He put his arm over Arin and forced him closer. Arin's anxiety shot out and he felt very uncomfortable.

"Andrew, could you please let go of me?"

Arin tried to pry Andrew off "Seriously Andrew, I'm not comfortable with this- let go of me-"

Andrew kept Arin in place and kissed him.

Arin struggled again and when he finally got off the bed, he rubbed his face.

"What the hell Andrew?"

Andrew curled up in a ball and said, voice cracking "I just- just thought that maybe you could..make me feel better. I'm tired of seeing Krik's drugged out face in my mind..it's not fair."

Arin slowly got back up and said "I can't magically cure your trauma with a one night stand, even if I could Andrew, I wouldn't want to cause you all that emotional pain and confusion. I'd find another way to help you."

Andrew started to cry "Why won't you just kill me for real then? Like you do in your hallucinations? Gut me and break all of my bones while I'm still alive..please I don't wanna be here anymore."

Arin gasped quietly. He sat on the bed slowly and put his arm over Andrew and set him against his chest. He didn't care if Andrew interpreted it wrong he couldn't be allowed to leave Arin's side until he was stable enough. It was killing Arin- he didn't want Andrew to try anything.

"..Andrew..please don't say that.."

"..Arin..please, just choke me- hit me with the lamp. I don't care how you do it, just kill me."

"Jesus..I'm not going to do that. I'm going to hold you and let you _ lay _ with me. And only lay. You're not allowed to get up."

Andrew nodded, he gave up on trying to hold in tears and he cried even more. After a while of crying he finally stopped, he pushed his face to Arin's neck and kissed it slowly, like he had permission to, and he said "..I love you Arin.."

He sighed. He gave in just a little, just enough for Andrew to calm down, just enough to keep him safe. He'd think better in the morning, hopefully. 

"...I love you too Andrew."

The words felt wrong. He loved Andrew in a family way. This wasn't what he wanted, Andrew was too drunk to realize what he was saying. In the morning he could explain what happened. Andrew would hopefully understand that what he was asking of Arin was next to impossible. He didn't want to ruin the relationship they already had, it was a good one. 

Arin, for the sake of Andrew not killing himself, let him lay with him. He held him like he would a lover. Pressed kisses to his head when Andrew tried to leave. _ To make him stay. To keep him alive. _

They both fell asleep, half tangled together. Arin would explain everything. He'd make Andrew understand what he did. Demand Andrew to never make Arin feel this uncomfortable again. _ Never _ ** _ever_ ** _ put him in this position again. _

_ Hopefully. _


	9. Forgiveness Is Available, Would You Take It?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get fixed, relatively.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a small continuation for ch. 9 since it didn't fit in ch. 8- this one's a lot less heavy.

When Nny woke up he stretched, it was 6 am, so he had to wait to call Edgar for another few hours. He stepped quietly from the couch and looked through Devi's fridge to see what he could eat. An alarm went off and it startled Nny. Tenna eventually came shuffling out in her checkered puppy slippers.

"Morning Nny- you want some leftover tacos?" Her tone was a little off.

Nny sat at the table and said "Yeah, I'd like some." He ignored her tone in favor of food.

"We got sour cream- if you like that- and salsa."

Nny nodded as she put the tacos in the microwave. She sat with Nny and they looked at the table in shared silence.

"..uh so- yesterday was crazy right?" Tenna tried to approach what she was about to say in a more light hearted way.

Nny shrugged.

"Uh..yeah..so do you guys usually share beds?"

Nny nodded "On tours, in the hotel rooms. Kinda just push each other off the sides so we don't wake up in an awkward position."

_ Oh. _

"Well-..uh.."

"Tenna. Why are you asking?" Nny was starting to get irritated.

"Because I woke up and went to get my coat from the first spare room because I left it there while cleaning- and- and-"

"Tenna."

"I saw Andrew and Arin in the same bed laying down- sleeping- but like- they were smushed together- like they were dating- are they together?"

Tenna took a breath for a moment. That was a mouthful. 

Nny blinked and slowly got up. The microwave beeped and Tenna got snapped back to present thought and quickly said "But it could be nothing! It could just-"

Nny cut her off "..No, it's not nothing." And went to the spare room to see for himself. He walked to the door and opened it slowly. The bed was in the corner, the sun was starting to come up through the window and giving the room light. Nny stepped through and cautiously looked closely at what was in front of him.

Andrew's leg was in between Arin's. Arin's arms were around Andrew's. Andrew was holding him tightly. The blanket got kicked off and was on the floor. 

_ At least they're fucking clothed. _

Arin moved a little and tried to make space between them it seemed. Andrew was holding him tighter in place. Nny sighed. _ Arin's never gonna hear the end of this if Derek finds out. _

Nny went to the bed and woke both of them up softly. Arin looked at Nny with a horrified expression. Nny didn't express his sympathies just yet, since he didn't know what happened. He got both of them out of bed, Andrew looked at Nny with guilt.

Tenna was eating her tacos and drinking out of a container of lemonade. She eyed them with barely contained curiosity.

Nny sat them down on the couch after he moved Devi's guitar. 

"..So, is there something I need to know?"

_ Jeez- I feel like my mom when she found my roadkill ear collection- ugh. _

Andrew raised his hand and said "It was my fault- I-..I pushed myself on Arin when he asked me not to."

Arin was going to say something but Andrew continued "-He asked me to let go of him, told me how uncomfortable he was but I didn't listen."

He then turned to Arin and said quietly "I'll understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore. I'll understand if you're angry and disturbed, I would be too if I was asked to do what I asked you to. You can hit me, I won't fight back."

Nny watched as Arin started to cry and he said "No- No Andrew- I'd never hit you, ever- I understand where you're coming from. I'm just not comfortable with what you asked and I'm very sorry you felt that it was the only option you had left."

Nny interrupted with a blunt and stern tone, "What the fuck did he ask?"

Andrew responded before Arin had the chance to "..I asked him to have sex with me because I thought maybe getting fucked would help."

Nny shook his head "You're a fucking idiot Andrew, a mother fucking idiot."

Andrew nodded, muttered 'I know' and sat back. The complete state of him was horrible. His face looked like death and he was extremely pale. His posture was more closed off than usual.

Arin shook his head "I think when Devi wakes up I'll talk to her."

Nny laughed "You better mention that nothing but sleeping happened otherwise she'll kick your ass."

Arin nodded. Andrew put his head in his hands. Nny changed the subject.

"Hey Arin? You remember Edgar's schedule?"

Arin nodded again "I'm pretty sure he works today."

"Ok thank you."

With that, Nny got up and went to go wait for a time to call Edgar.


	10. Getting Up Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rev. Meat gets introduced in this chapter, some dark thoughts are shared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not a vent chapter but some obligatory backstory with Jimmy.
> 
> I have concept art of Rev. Meat (Matthew) that I'm gonna post to my instagram soon so if you'd like to see it go ahead and pop over to @Randomly_Cosplaying and bug me about it lol

"He did fuckin' _ what _ to you?"

Andrew cut in "Derek I was the one that pushed- Arin was the one trying to get away. Look this probably isn't the best time for this both of us are still a little hung over-"

"_ Fuck that- _ who gives a shit whether I'm hung over or not-"

Nny was sitting in the living room, getting increasingly annoyed at the conversation. He turned over on the couch and shouted, "GUYS- please- We need to do this later, Devi has shit to do today!" 

Derek turned to Nny and flipped him off, he stormed off into the room he was staying in and slammed the door. Andrew and Arin stood in uncomfortable silence.

Nny turned around and asked as he gestured between them "Are you two good or..?"

They both nodded and Nny went back to napping.

\--  
  


"Hey Devi- are we gonna be writing music or doing cords today?"

Devi was putting on her eyeliner when Tenna came in.

"I don't know just yet..I need to get my mail and then we'll see."

Tenna nodded "That's right-..you didn't want Jimmy getting your mail until the guys left.."

Devi hummed in response "He hasn't seen everyone up close since high school so I don't want him jumping on anybody."

Tenna nodded "That's true..you want me to get it? I totally could, I know you don't like the service guy."

Devi put the pencil down and picked up her eyeshadow "No Ten, it's alright. I got it."

Tenna squeaked Spooky and said "Ok, I'll be making lunch if you still need me!"

Devi smiled and continued to get ready for the day.

-

Jimmy got up- he didn't bother with removing his makeup the night before and it hurt now. He shrugged and put on a shirt- it was cold this morning.

Brushing out the gel in his hair, Jimmy thought about what he was going to do today. There was always visiting Dillon but the last time he went over there it didn't end so well- _ maybe next week. _ He had to get Devi's mail today- he liked getting her mail. She gave him 5 dollars for it, he got to get out of the house at a decent time and she didn't have to talk to Carl at the post office- a win win situation if you asked him. He kinda wished he could get a proper job but that was difficult with an assault with a deadly weapon charge on his record.

He re-gelled his hair and fixed his makeup.

He put on his music and started to clean, he didn't like how much trash he had in his house. After a bit of genre mixing he settled on Maxïmo Park.

Jimmy moved along with the song for a while, picking things up and rearranging bits and pieces of his house. The song was almost over when he had to sit down, he didn't eat when he got up. He liked to find the meanings to songs- he favored the challenge. He got up and sang along- he didn't have the best singing voice but he liked to try. 

Jimmy made himself breakfast as the song faded out. MGMT came next and Jimmy ate with the sound of psychedelics flowing through his house, Electric Feel was one of his favorite songs by them. He washed his bowl out and got his socks and shoes on to get Devi's mail.

-

The post office was quiet but he knew Matthew would be here. Walking to the back, Jimmy knocked on the door.

"Hey Mattress! Could you get Devi's mail from the shelf?"

A few minutes of shuffling around later, Matthew came out with the mail in hand "..man I thought you were gonna stop calling me that."

Jimmy took the mail and messed Matthew's hair up, "Nah, you still haven't let me live down that Czech beer incident so until that happens," Jimmy rotated his hand to emphasize, "You shall be known as Mattress."

Matthew shook his head to place his hair back "Man- fuck you."

Jimmy laughed "Yeah- you wish!"

Matthew scoffed, "That joke will never be funny Jimmy, you know this."

He shrugged, "Someday you'll be brave enough."

Matthew rolled his eyes, "Get the fuck out of here man."

Jimmy put his hands up and turned around, Matthew added as he walked away, "Don't forget to take out the minced meat from the freezer! I'm making chili!"

Jimmy raised his voice and waved, "Alright!"

He sighed and continued to Devi's house, he'd take the meat out later.

Jimmy stepped on the porch of Devi’s house and knocked on the door, “Devi! I got your mail!” Devi probably had MTV going on- people were talking really loud. After a few minutes, Jimmy debated on knocking again but the door finally opened, Devi shoved Jimmy away from the doorway. 

“Jimmy- what the Hell are you doing here?”

“I uh- I got your mail- I still do that for you right?”

“Yeah but I told you I was fine getting it for a few days-”

Devi was cut off by Derek yelling “Y’fuckin’ wake _ me up for this DUMB ASS SHIT. _”

Jimmy’s eyes widened and he looked past Devi and saw Derek stomp by and drag Andrew by the arm, all the while yelling about- _ wait what..? _

Devi groaned and let Jimmy in the house. She got everyone’s attention with a whistle.

“AY- Jimmy’s here- behave yourselves.” and walked to the kitchen to talk with Tenna.

Derek and Andrew were the first to look, “Are you sure that’s Jim?” Andrew asked, Derek let go of him and walked up to him, Jimmy had grown taller and Derek had to look up at him. “Y’look like a hooker Jim.”

Andrew walked over as well, “I remember when you wore t-shirts with khakis n’tennis shoes, now you look-..well like he said, a hooker..wow.” he winced at the end.

Jimmy was about to say something when Arin came out from the kitchen, “I think he looks nice.” he walked over and gave Jimmy a hug. Jimmy smiled, “You look better! Did you get over being sick?”

Arin smiled softly and shook his head, “No, Jimmy. Sadly schizophrenia is permanent, but I do have medication to help with it. Thank you for asking.” Jimmy nodded and let go. 

They went and sat in the living room and caught up with each other. Arin put on Jeopardy and Jimmy messed with Andrew’s goggles. As they watched and messed around Nny came in from his phone call with Edgar. He didn’t recognize Jimmy at first, it took looking at the scar on his hand to put two and two together. 

Nny stood at the back of the couch silently, he remembered how Jimmy got the scar.  
  
_ It was Nny’s first time switching lunch periods, Arin was trailing behind him. They were trying to find a place to sit. There were a few empty spots at a back table, Nny recognized Derek immediately, his beanie stood out due to the white skull accents. When he saw the both of them he waved them over. Nny and Arin sat with the brothers and Krik. Jimmy and Dillon came soon after. _

_ When Nny was done eating he watched Krik, he heard he was a “racist biggot” from a few people here and there. Nny didn’t really feel comfortable around him but since Arin was there, he was fine. Krik shoved his tray to Jimmy to take back to the counter, Jimmy refused. _

_ Jimmy’s hand was on the table, bracing to get up to leave. Krik pulled out his switchblade and threatened Jimmy. Derek tried to get Krik to put the blade away but when Jimmy continued to refuse him, Krik stabbed Jimmy in the hand. _

_ The scream kept Nny awake for a few nights, Jimmy wasn’t able to go to school for a while, threatened into not pressing charges. Nny visited Jimmy when he asked, so did Arin. Derek apologized to Jimmy for Krik but that didn’t bring back most of the feeling in his thumb and index finger, now did it? _

When Nny shook himself out of the memory, Jimmy was rubbing the scar. He did that when he got uncomfortable. Nny tapped his shoulder, “Hey Jimmy.” he said quietly. Jimmy turned around quickly and he hugged Nny from his position on the couch. Nny wasn’t used to Jimmy’s hugs, he didn’t know what to say about how he looked now. 

“Nny!-” Jimmy let go quickly and sat back “-..sorry- forgot you don’t like hugs.”

Nny shook his head, “It’s alright, you got excited.”

Jimmy looked down and reached to rub his scar again but stopped when he realized he was about to do it. 

Nny wondered what was making him uncomfortable.

“Hey- y’wanna step outside? I wanna talk with you.”

Jimmy smiled softly and nodded, they stepped outside and sat at the porch table.

“What’s on your mind Jimmy?”

Jimmy sighed, “..Do-..do you ever have like-..thoughts of just the sickest things?”

Nny braced himself for this conversation, it was gonna be heavy. “Yeah, sometimes I want to shove people I hate into death contraptions and keep them there, bleed out for days and to use the blood to paint the walls of my house.”

Jimmy nodded, “Sometimes I wanna hurt people like that- but I really want to hurt a person the way I’ve been hurt, y’know? Take revenge. I want to take advantage of someone like I’ve been taken advantage of- leave them mentally scarred. I want them to suffer.”

Nny was a little surprised at Jimmy’s change in personality and overall outlook on life- _ what the Hell happened? _

Jimmy looked to his boots, “That would usually be somewhat excusable with the right context- but I don’t have that and the ways I wanna fuck someone up are inexcusable. I know leaving someone like that would absolutely ruin their life. I have no excuse for the thoughts I fuckin’ have and-..and it scares me Nny. it scares me and I don’t know how to deal with it.”

Nny nodded, he asked “What brought this on?”

Jimmy looked at his clothes, messed with the hem of his shirt. “..The brother’s said I looked like a hooker-..um- I’m also kinda afraid of having a conversation with any of the guys since I know I’m not how they remember me..”

“Ah, I understand.”

He smiled at Jimmy, a slow reintroduction was in order before they left to go back to Nevada. 


	11. 13 Angels Standing Guard 'Round The Side of Your Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy hangs out with the group, but when he goes back to Matthew's house he's faced with a bad situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's currently 2:30 AM, I kicked myself in the feels, I'm kicking you in the feels, I'm not sorry.
> 
> TW for attempted overdose, very heavy angst.

Jimmy laughed as the man on the TV got hit by a car, Nny looked at him, unsure of how to respond.

Derek snickered and said, "Aw c'mon Nny, I laugh at this shit all the time, what makes Jim's reaction so different?"

Nny looked at him quickly with mild distaste, "Because," he said, "Jimmy isn't you, first of all, so I didn't expect him to laugh at it like you would."

Arin pat Jimmy's shoulder, he nodded, "He doesn't mean anything bad by it Jimmy, it's nothing against you."

Nny was in the middle of another sentence when Arin interrupted him, he sighed and apologized to Jimmy.

______

Jimmy swore to himself as he walked up to Matthew's front door, he asked him to take the meat out. That request was given several hours ago.

He sighed as he opened the door, it was unlocked already- _ maybe it's unlocked because you were supposed to come over here and help Matt make chili five hours ago dumbass. _

Jimmy shook his head and stepped inside. The house was dim, the kitchen light took up most of the space. Jimmy looked at the counter, the food was out. He felt guilty, walking around to see where Matthew was. The TV was on low volume, and as Jimmy went around the couch to turn it off he made a clipped noise and he covered his mouth.

Jimmy dropped to his knees and shook Matthew’s body. 

“..No no no- Matt! Matt get up!”

Matthew’s eyes were unfocused and roaming, breathing shallow. Jimmy looked to the side of him, a needle and a spoon were pushed over. Jimmy fought with himself over leaving to call Devi and staying with Matthew but Devi had the Narcan over at her house and he needed it now.

Jimmy got up slowly and whispered apologies. 

Running to the phone, he called Devi. He hoped she was still awake.

_______

Tenna placed the bowl of mashed potatoes in front of Arin and pointed to it, “You sir, haven’t eaten all day.”

Arin laughed, “Yeah I know, my meds make me lose my appetite. Thanks Tenna.”

Tenna smiled and sat down next to him, “So like- I wanna know, what was Jimmy like in high school?” 

Arin shrugged, “I’m not really the best to ask about that since I had to leave very early in my high school years.”

Tenna nodded, Arin put his hand up, “Though, I can tell you, Jimmy has a nice singing voice. He doesn’t think so, but I heard him a few times. I believe Simon and Garfunkel was his favorite, The Sound of Silence- I heard that one a lot.”

Tenna looked very interested and nodded for Arin to continue. “I don’t know if he does it anymore but I know when I heard him, he was very nice to listen to.”

“Ohh- I’m gonna have to get him to sing- that explains why he never wants to help with backup vocals, is he a soprano or an alto?”

“Um, I’m not sure? I think somewhere in the middle, can’t sing too high or low- a mix.”

Tenna nodded again, she was about to talk but the phone rang.

She got up and answered, “Tenna speaking.”

Arin looked over from the kitchen, he saw Tenna’s face go stone cold.

“I’ll look for it now, is he still breathing?”

Arin felt his stomach drop. Tenna raced around and grabbed a bottle of nasal spray from one of the kitchen cabinets, “I got it, do you want me to get Devi up?”

She nodded and went to get her. Arin watched as Devi came storming out, a worried look on her face, she grabbed her jacket and Tenna put up the phone. 

“What’s going on?” Arin stood at the table, he felt pins go through him as Devi turned and sighed, “I’ll explain when I come back. Get Nny and the others up, I’m gonna need help with this.”

Arin nodded and they jogged out of the house. Arin moved slowly, he felt misplaced again. Like he did when he first got reunited with everyone- knowing others could move on and start things without you there was a little terrifying, even if you were a big part of their lives.

He didn’t know Tenna and Devi like he did everyone else, but seeing them work around the group was jarring to Arin, doing their usual stuff while everyone else made a ruckus. He stopped at Nny’s door, he felt the urge to puke from the anxiety as he opened the door slowly. 

He sat by Nny and shook him slightly, “Hey- Devi wanted you and the others up- something’s gone wrong.”

Nny rolled over and he took a moment but when he registered what Arin said he got up quickly, “What happened?” Arin shrugged as he followed him out “Tenna got a call and she went real silent and then got this nasal spray and woke Devi up and they left. She said to get everyone up and she’d explain when she got back. I really don’t have a good feeling about this Nny.”

Nny nodded and went and got the brothers up. They piled into the kitchen and waited.

They waited for a while, Derek fell asleep again and Arin had to step outside. Nny and Andrew stared collectively at the table in silence. 

Arin came rushing in, “Get up they’re back!”

Derek groaned and nodded, Devi and Tenna came in carrying a man and Andrew stared at him.

Jimmy came in behind them and shut the door, his makeup was run off and he looked like he was about to collapse.

“Derek- get your ass up and get a fucking wet towel!” Devi yelled as she set the man on the couch. Andrew looked, he recognized an addict when he saw one, he didn’t know what to do with himself at the moment. 

Tenna moved to him and she looked at him, hugged him, hid his head in her coat hood, “I’m so sorry you had to see that..”

Andrew cried, jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, he looked and saw Jimmy, “C’mere.” Jimmy opened his arms and Andrew went into them hesitantly.

Devi propped the man’s head up and Nny got a thin blanket and covered him with it. Derek came back and he gave Devi the towel. She wiped off blood and sweat.

Derek moved quickly over to Andrew and stood there. Jimmy was crying silently as he held him, and Derek started to tear up. Yet again he was late in his responsibility of taking care of Andrew.

Arin put his hand on his shoulder, “It’s ok, Derek, he’s getting comforted, that’s all that matters.”

He nodded, “..Yeah.”

He led Derek to the table and sat with him, he stared at his hands. Eventually everything quieted down and Devi sat with everyone to explain, “The man on the couch is Jimmy’s friend, Matthew.”

She looked at Jimmy and he didn’t acknowledge her, she continued anyways, “He does this sometimes. I don’t know what caused this since he’s been clean for a while but when he wakes up please don’t hover over him.” She then looked to the brothers, “Guys, I apologize. I just wanted you up before we got here so you didn’t wake up to that, y’know?”

Andrew nodded, “Thanks Devi..”

Derek nodded as well but didn’t say anything. The atmosphere was tense and Jimmy was still crying. Nny looked at him, now he recognized Jimmy, that kid crying on the bathroom floor was coming back up. He knew how to handle that kid. So he got up and everyone stared at him, he walked over to Jimmy and made him look up at him from his seat. 

Nny opened his arms and Jimmy coughed out a broken wheeze and slowly hugged him. 

“This- was all my- f-fault..”

“How? You were here with us the whole time.” Nny didn’t like getting tears and snot on him but he pat Jimmy’s back anyways, he offered the hug.

Jimmy cried harder, “That’s why! I didn’t go ho-home when I was supposed to.”

Derek looked up from his hands and he felt that resonate, he knew exactly how Jimmy felt. He got up as well and took Nny’s place in hugging Jimmy. Tenna moved and started to make food, Jimmy’s favorite to calm him down.

“He asked- me to get the meat o-out of the freezer n’I put it off. How could I be so fuckin’ blind..”

Derek let himself be pulled to the floor when Jimmy fell to it. “You weren’t,” Derek looked over to Andrew and flicked his head, Andrew got on the floor with them. “You didn’t know.”

“But I should have! We’ve both been struggling lately- Matt’s been tryin’ to distract himself. I should’ve known that making a fuckin’ meal with him was his way of asking for help! He always picks up on my shit why can’t I pick up on his?”

Andrew set his head on Jimmy’s shoulder and repeated Derek’s statement, “Jim, you didn’t know..That’s ok.”

Devi moved to check on Matthew and Arin helped Tenna make food.

Nny watched all of what was happening around him with detachment, and he felt out of place, staring at the tiles he wanted so badly to feel was everyone else was. He felt like a paper cut out in a painted background, and he wanted to disappear from view, so he sat in the farthest corner and made himself small, curling up, erasing his presence. 

Sometimes he really hated not being able to sympathize or empathize properly.


	12. Night Demon and Early Morning Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Matthew wakes up, there's an issue with Arin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put Arin with the go over the stars bit instead of Andrew cause it felt right lol
> 
> Also Jimmy's more emotionally mature due to Matthew's influence and their relationship is platonic but they show it like a couple would, because fuck kisses only being restricted to romantic relationships honestly. 
> 
> I wrote the lyrics to this chapter, I even finished them in another doc- I really like trying to write songs aa

After everyone went back to bed, it was 2AM. Nny sat outside with his book, for personal use.

_ “..When I sit in front of my TV _

_ There’s a world that I see _

_ Blank and void of life, and nothing breathes _

_ But it’s not, there’s just me, a version _

_ That I don’t want people to see. _

_ He stalks around in that TV screen and _

_ I can’t really tell if he’s different from me. _

_ He has the same eyes, hair and clothes, _

_ Never misses an expression I make, or pose. _

_ He copies me and I can’t believe, he’s got _

_ the same voice and it makes me wanna scream _

_ I want to hide from him but he’s got me, and it feels _

_ Like a bad dream..” _

Nny sighed, he sat the book down and looked at the stars, they were comforting, Lady Moon and her children never left him alone when he needed it. He nodded to her and got up, wandered around Devi’s yard. He picked up rocks and tossed them around for awhile. His hands eventually got cold and he got his book and went quietly back inside.

Nny closed the sliding glass door behind himself, he was startled at Matthew, he was sat up looking for something.

Matthew jumped at the door and he stared at Nny in fear, Nny put his hands up, “It’s ok, the others and I are just visiting. Devi knows we’re here.” Matthew only nodded, still tense.

“Would you like me to get Jimmy?”

Matthew looked down, sad. “I fucked up, I doubt he’d want to see me right now.”

Nny shook his head, “Listen, I don’t know you, but I know Jimmy. He cares about you, he cried for 3 hours over this, he cares about you. Watch, if I get him, I guarantee you he’ll be more than happy to see you.”

Matthew nodded and Nny went to where Jimmy was sleeping, Arin woke up slightly and rolled over. Jimmy slowly got up out of bed and shook himself awake as he followed Nny out. Matthew was picking at his hands.

Nny whistled softly and Matthew looked up, he and Jimmy looked each other down. 

“Matt..”

Nny sat far away as Jimmy sighed in relief and hugged Matthew, he kissed him on the head, “I’m so sorry I didn’t get what you were tryin’ t’say- I’ll do better to take care of you this time.”

Nny watched in confusion and mild interest at the kiss. Matthew held Jimmy’s hand and kissed his head just the same. Nny had never seen Jimmy do that to anyone. Matthew smiled, but it was soon dropped, “I’m real sorry Jimmy, I was trying hard to do the coping stuff you taught me but the voices wouldn’t shut up. They were screaming at me telling me to use..and I gave in again.”

Jimmy nodded, “It’s ok.” Matthew put his hands together and squeezed them, “I just thought I could deal with it by myself this time, y’know? That I was better, enough to try on my own, but I guess not.” Jimmy knitted his face up and sighed, “I understand, but Matt- you know I’m always here for you, it’s ok to ask for help when y’need it, even if it’s to get a shove in the right direction.”

Nny was stunned at what Jimmy was saying, he did mention that he was also having issues, did he use as well? Nny was off put at the thought of the person he once knew, neat and straight forward, break down into a life like that. He sat and felt like he was looking at a stranger. Jimmy changed so much and once again, Nny didn’t know how to feel. He stood up and nodded to Jimmy, he smiled. Nny walked out of the room and went into where Arin was staying and got Arin's bag, pulled out his sketchbook and sat down near the bed. Nny knew Arin wouldn't mind as long as he didn't draw over anything already on a page.

Nny drew Edgar. He couldn't call him, so he drew him, he always provided reassurance when Nny needed it. He needed to start calling him for other things aside from his personal dilemmas, to see how _ he _ was doing and to have a regular conversation. Nny nodded to himself, later in the day he'd check up on him. He did say last call that he was really proud of his work on a really fancy shed he built, _ ask him about it _. As Nny drew Edgar, he had to step back from his head for a second.

He liked Edgar, his face was nice, honest, he worked hard and took care of his family. Nny smiled, he liked Edgar's way about things, they were timely and efficient. He appreciated the order to them. Nny felt like every time he talked with Edgar, thought about him, it made him at ease. Such a smart yet simple person.

Nny stopped drawing and put the book back in the bag, he got up. Arin was sprawled out on the bed now, Nny smiled, Edgar reminded him of Arin sometimes, so within himself.

He took off his shoes and socks, he didn’t forget to take them off this time. Nudging Arin out of the way, he laid down. Nny laid there for a very long time. He turned and fluffed the pillow several times. No dice. Nny sighed and finally decided to just lay there, but Arin started to talk in his sleep. Nny listened closely, it was a 50/50 on what type of things he’d talk about, last time it was sword wielding crabs. Nny smiled at that, and-

“_ ..Your heart..it feels like wet-..packed sand.. _”

Nny turned to face Arin slowly, what was he dreaming about?

“_ ..I made it just-..for you, why won’t you..take what I made you? _”

Nny felt like he needed to wake Arin up, this was- well, he was used to this from him but it was still off putting. Not a good thing to be dreaming about. As Nny lifted his hand to shake him awake, Arin started scratching at his face. Nny grabbed his hands, Arin was raising his voice now.

“_ I don’t understand! I love you- we could go over the stars!- _”

Nny shook Arin’s wrists, “Hey! Arin- get up!”

He screamed, pain filled, he was crying. Nny knew exactly why this was happening and he didn’t appreciate the situation that caused it. Nny kept shaking him, trying to get him to wake up but he wasn’t responding to the usual. The door opened and Matthew and Jimmy stepped through. Nny wanted very much to yell at them to leave but Arin was already doing a great job at trying to wake the entire house up, yelling about stars.

“What’s the matter with him?” Matthew was coming up to the other side of the bed as Jimmy asked his question. Matthew sighed, Nny was confused, it’s not like this was Matthew’s problem to handle why was he acting like he did this every other night like Nny had to?

“Move your hands please.”

Nny jerked Arin’s wrists away form Matthew’s reach, “Fuck no! You don’t touch him.” This whole situation was his fault, why would he let him touch Arin when he was the cause of his distress?

Matthew shook his head, “Seriously let go of his hands, trust me, I know what I’m doing, my family’s a bunch of schizophrenics, they had these things all the time.”

Arin’s eyes were open now, he was still trying to get out of Nny’s hold and Jimmy nodded to him to let Arin go and he hesitantly did.

“Arin! Arin- It’s ok-” Arin wasn’t responding to Matthew and Nny was about to push Matthew away but Matthew held his arms open. “..I’ll go over the stars with you- just..calm down so we can leave nicely.” 

Arin was still trying to thrash, but he was being slightly caged by Matthew’s arms, leaving a few inches of space between them. Matthew’s voice was calm and even leveled, “I’ll go over the stars, I’ll go over with you but we can’t go unless you calm down..”

Nny watched Matthew closely, he looked sad, like he was trying not to remember something. He was staring Arin right in the eyes. 

Arin slowly stopped jolting around and Matthew wiped the tears softly from Arin’s face. He laid Arin back down, reassuring him that he’d jump the moon with him as he did so. After a minute he fell back asleep. 

Matthew sighed and covered him with the blanket he kicked off and got up. Jimmy set his hand on Matthew’s shoulder, he nodded. 

At the door Devi stood, “Is he ok now?”

Nny jumped and Jimmy responded, “I think so, sorry we couldn’t get him calmed down sooner.”

Devi rubbed her eyes, dragged her palms down her face, “It’s alright, just, if I don’t wake up before 10 just leave me be.”

Everyone acknowledged her and she went back to her room. Matthew started to walk out but Nny stopped him, “Look, thanks for getting Arin to calm down, but if you pull that shit again I’m _ gonna _break your fingers and shove them in your eye sockets when I spoon those out and make you swallow them.”

Jimmy made a defensive face and Nny glared at him, “_ Back _ the _ fuck _ down Jim.”

Matthew stared at him, “I understand. But I hope you know that your threats won’t intimidate me, I’ve had worse happen in my life.” he put his hands up and turned back around and left. Jimmy hesitated in following Matthew out, he stopped at the door frame, “All he was doing was helping, why do you think you can just threaten everyone you have even the slightest dislike towards?”

Nny froze up, Jimmy’s tone was..disappointed. He shook himself, “You don’t know me; how I work. That fuck is the reason Arin was having a night terror.”

Jimmy’s expression was tense, holding back anger, “How? What the fuck did he do? Like- seriously, what did Matt, directly do to Arin?”

Nny sat back, “Arin has PTSD for a reason Jimmy! Matthew coming in like that set him off! You can’t just think that he would be all fine and dandy seeing that idiot drooling blood and coked out on the couch!”

Jimmy moved back, physically putting distance so he didn’t deck Nny in the face, “I know that- I’m not fucking stupid. I know what that does to people, why do you think I let Andrew cry on me for 20 minutes? I know. Also, using insults in place of names is real fucking mature of you Nny. Real mature. Matt relapsed, he has an addiction, that’s what happens sometimes. It’s not his fault, it was his fault to take drugs in the first place but addiction is a fucking bitch who won’t leave.” Jimmy popped his jaw and sighed, “Don’t talk about Matthew like that again, so help me Nny.” and left, shutting the door behind himself.

Nny sat there in silence, looking at Arin from time to time. He felt..unpleasant again. He picked at his clothes. He needed to crash. Time would be lost on him, yes, but that was the point. He didn't want to be awake with his urges.

Nny laid down. Arin slept, so should he.


	13. Harsh Realm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Healing happens, plus the beginning of the proper EdNny plot lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5 full pages, and a small paragraph on the 6th page aa

When everyone got up the next morning, it was tense to put it lightly. Tenna was the first to break the silence.

“So..um- you all want french toast?” She leaned over the couch between Jimmy and Matthew

“Yes, french toast would be lovely Tenna, thank you.” Matthew said and nodded to her and Jimmy put his thumb up.

Tenna went around asking everyone about toppings and how burnt they wanted theirs. As she moved through the kitchen Derek came up behind her and scared her, laughing.

“Shit! Derek what the fuck man?” She hugged the bowl of egg mix tightly.

“To lighten the mood Tenna!” He extended his arms out and smirked.

Tenna nodded and giggled, “I’m gonna defenestrate your ass.” and turned on the burner.

Derek looked at her confused, “The fuck does that mean?”

Arin laughed as Tenna clarified, “It’s the act of throwing dumbasses like you out the window.”

Derek punched her arm and she punched his back as Devi came in, “Ay! No playing punchies in the kitchen- I have expensive shit!”

Derek and Tenna nodded and he helped her flip the toast. Devi stepped outside and sat next to Nny, “Hey. Jimmy told me what happened after I crashed. You ok?”

Nny groaned into his hands, threw them down to his lap, “Ugh! He tells me I threaten everyone I don’t like! I just didn’t appreciate Matthew going in there and broaching on an actual private issue!”

Devi nodded, “Look, I get that, totally. But to Matt’s credit, he has a lot of experience and understanding with schizophrenia since he and his family have it. Why do you think he takes drugs in the first place?”

Nny looked at his hands, he nodded slowly, Devi continued. “You do threaten needlessly, like a jackass, but I understand. I’ve seen you covered in another guy’s blood, I know how quickly you can lose it, I just want you to start understanding the difference between people helping and people hurting you.”

Nny nodded again, “Yeah, I know. It’s just fucking hard. There’s too many people looking to step on others' fingers just to get to where they’re going. I’ve had these reject assholes sit there and tell me to go die because they hated my very existence.”

Devi nodded, “Yeah, I remember you freaking out over one a while back. I just want you to actually think and asses the situation, see the context because I know you can.”

Nny sighed, “Yeah. Alright.” he turned to the back door and sniffed the air, “Is someone making french toast?”

Devi snorted, “Tenna.”

Nny nodded, smiling, “Of course.”

“You wanna go in?” she asked.

“Yes- I’m fucking hungry actually.” Nny got up and helped Devi to her feet

___________

After the group waved goodbye to Devi and everyone, they drove back to Nevada. Derek was shoved against the door while Andrew slept. He looked out the window and he was hung up on the conversation he and Matthew had before they left.

_ “Hey man, sorry for making you go through that shit again.” _

_ Derek washed the plates as Matthew came up to help, Derek sighed. “It’s fine, I’m not really the one you should be apologizing to though.” _

_ Matthew hummed, “Ah, yeah, I tried to apologize to your brother but he didn’t want to look at me so I didn’t want to upset him more.” _

_ Derek put another plate in the dishwasher, “Yeah, but thanks for trying though.” _

_ “I hope you both’ll find peace in your friend’s death.” Matthew rinsed off syrup as he talked. _

_ “I think? I think me n’Andy have started to, believe it or not you jump started that process, at least for me. I kinda just realized while I was try’na sleep that Krik was who he was and no amount of telling him how dangerous he was making his life, was gonna change that.” Derek shrugged. _

_ Matthew smiled, “That’s good that you found that realization. I’m glad I could help, however indirect it may have been. But yeah, in order to move on from shit you just..have to let go. The only things you have control over are the things you have control over. No one else was gonna pick up your friend but himself, sad, but it’s true. He was living the way he chose, I live the way I choose. It’s just a fact of life, you are how you make yourself and how you choose to respond to other’s personal decisions.” He dried his hands as Derek put the last dish in. _

_ Derek sighed softly, “Yeah I get that, but I really fuckin’ hated feeling directionless n’shit.” _

_ Matthew started the dishwasher, “It’s depression. It kind of..yanks at your world to stay in one spot no matter how much you try to move. Like a really bad storm, it’ll end for a while and there’ll be bright and sunny days but it’ll always be back, but it’s up to you to take the help offered and learn how to cope and defend yourself from that storm.” _

_ Derek turned to Matthew and smiled, “Thanks man.” Matthew nodded and Derek extended his hand, Matthew took it and hugged him. _

_ “You’ll both get to see the sunny days, just make sure to fight your way through the storm so you can see more of those sunny days.” _

Derek sighed and closed his eyes, he felt a weight lift from his shoulders, content.

____________

Nny walked through the door to his house, he shoved his coat off and threw his bag on the couch. He stayed there on the couch for a while, he was thinking.

They got back to Nevada two days ago and Nny finally got to go home. He hated being around people for that long. He loves his friends but sometimes he can't stand their existence.

Nny fell asleep, it was about 10AM so he could still talk to Edgar when he got up. He hoped he was doing ok.

_____________

Edgar sat on his bed doing work. 

To him it wasn't actually work but he had to handle it that way. He had a whiteboard and a few Expo's to mess with while he figured out how to word his findings.

His phone buzzed and he smiled wide as he read the caller ID.

"Hey Nny!" Edgar put the phone between his cheek and shoulder and started to write.

"_ Hey Edgar. How are you? _"

"I'm good! Just working on my flower study, how about you?"

"_ I'm alive- wait- flower study? _"

Edgar chuckled, "Yeah! I'm working on how to structure thesis papers- I went outside and just picked a thing, which happened to be flowers, for the subject of the faux thesis."

"_ Oh! Ok that's cool! How's it coming along? _"

Edgar sighed, "Well I was just out of a shower so I started not too long ago actually."

"_ Oh- you need me to go? _"

Edgar capped the marker, "No no- I can always work on it later- it's just a side project."

"_ Ok- so how was your day? _"

Edgar smiled, "It was nice, I got to work on a really nice lady's yard and she gave me way more money than I asked for and made me food on my break!"

He heard Nny chuckle faintly, "_ That's cool. _" He said.

"Yeah! She's like-..in her 30's living by herself and she asked me if I could do her yard- she sat outside with me all day and she was a really lovely conversationalist. Her son had recently moved out and she couldn't keep up with the yard so she called me. She was very nice!"

Edgar stopped himself, "I'm sorry- I went on a bit of a tangent there didn't I?"

Nny laughed, "_ It's ok- I like to hear you talk, you're really passionate about these things. _"

Edgar felt a little embarrassed, he rubbed his hands. "Well- thank you."

Edgar shook his head, “But anyways, I did that, and I’m doing this, which is nice because it’s something I want to do.” He heard Nny hum and he put his hand up, then retracted it, “Um? Do you mind if I rant to you for a second?”

“_ Oh yeah, go ahead, you never have to ask. _”

Edgar nodded, “You remember that family member that was at the reunion?”

“_ Yeah, doesn’t like who you are, he die or something? _”

Edgar choked a laugh, “Um- at present- unfortunately no he isn’t. I got off work the other day and I went to a party my friend Eric wanted me at, and I had a good time! But the only problem was Abuelita had hurt herself cooking and I had to go home to help her, which helping her was fine, but when I got there Ciro was already there. After Abuelita was put to bed he pulled me aside and scolded me. Said Abuelita hurt herself because I wasn’t there to help her, even though she told me I could go and that she’d be fine. She’s a grown woman who can do things by herself.”

Edgar rested his shoulders, he was getting worked up, “He called me very upsetting things and that hurt my feelings. Like- I don’t understand- I work all day. I didn’t even want to go into hard labor because I have a hard time with understanding measurements and I’m not very good with doing these things by myself, but I make due y’know?”

"_ Yeah, makes sense. _"

"But I work so Abuelita can be happy. Ciro said that I was bringing shame on her by being myself. It just-..really sucked."

"_ I'm sorry Edgar. Hey! Y'know what- I'm gonna call Derek and we'll pick you up so you can hang out with us. _"

Edgar stumbled on his mental response, "Um-"

"_ Don't worry about gas money, we got it. Be ready in 30 minutes! _"

Edgar was about to respond but Nny had hung up. He put his stuff away slowly and went down to tell Abuelita he was heading out.

__________

Nny got off the phone with Derek and got ready himself.

When Derek got there Nny looked at him, "You get a hose to the face before you got here?"

Derek groaned, "I just got out of a fuckin' shower dumbass."

Nny laughed, "Just have the windows down so your hair dries, you smell like a wet dog."

While Nny passed to head out the door, Derek hit his arm lightly, "Man fuck you."

He laughed again and locked the house up.

_________

Edgar stepped out of the house as Derek and Nny pulled up. Nny yelled "Get in next to me!" Edgar nodded, "Hey guys!" He greeted them as he sat in the truck.

Derek nodded and turned on Cannibal Corpse. "Hey man." He looked at Edgar from the rear-view mirror. Edgar nodded, he smiled, and faced Nny.

"You didn't have to do this for me." Edgar looked down.

Nny kicked the front seat and Derek cursed and drove.

"It's no problem, really. Plus I was meaning to ask you over anyways."

Edgar smiled softly, "That's nice of you."

Nny nodded, "Yeah, of course."

Nny looked at Edgar passively as they drove. He had on very nice cologne, his makeup was done well. He looked..lovely.

Nny stopped that thought. Edgar was a man of faith. He'd be even worse off than he is now if Nny gave into what he wanted. Edgar wouldn't go against his faith that way.

Looking out the window, he sighed, this was going to be a tense time if he wasn’t careful.


	14. You've Got Something Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Near death stuff, then some angst with intrusive thoughts and some comfort at the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to Kathy, thanks for the support <3
> 
> This took forever, due to unfortunate circumstances. Don't worry, I'll be continuing this, I'm just trying to collect plot junk.

Derek looked out the rear view mirror as another truck came up close behind, "The fuck..?"

Nny looked back and saw the truck, "Are they trying to move around us?"

Edgar turned to look as well, "Maybe." He said.

Derek scoffed, "Doing a helluva job. Fuckin' dumbshit."

Derek sped up slightly, to put space between them but the other truck caught up and tried to hit their truck.

Everyone jolted as Derek shifted to accommodate. "Fuck me." He muttered and looked back, "Oh no you fuckin' don't."

Edgar braced himself, "Derek what're you doing?" He was panicked as Nny looked out the back again.

Derek bit out, "Y'wanna try that again fucko?" He rolled down the window and yelled as he swerved, "I'll break check you bitch! I have no problem seeing God today."

He pulled at things and Nny kicked his seat, "You may not have that problem but we sure as shit do!"

Edgar winced as his shoulder hit the door when Derek swerved off the road and parked the truck. The other truck sped past and Edgar clutched his chest. Nny scrambled to get his inhaler. Derek got his phone from his pocket and dialed a number.

Edgar's lungs were closing; trying to breathe through a straw. Nny found the inhaler and gave it to Edgar quickly, Nny helped him hold his arms up when he dropped the inhaler on the floor. Nny looked over to Derek, "What the fuck are you doing?"

Derek put a finger up and turned to sort through the glove compartment, "Yeah, hey, Terry- Get uncle Rossi for me please."

Nny shook his head and turned back to Edgar, "Hey, you're good.." he grabbed Edgar's hands and held them. Edgar took deep breaths as his eyes roamed, glassy and heavy. 

"Ay uncle Rossi- yeah..-yeah nice to hear you too- look- you have a contact here in Nevada I could use for a second?"

Nny was only passively listening as he rubbed his thumbs over the backs of Edgar's hands.

"Fuck no I didn't find a fuckin' body- some fuckin' piece of shit tried to run me n'my friends off the road-..yeah- I have the plates."

Nny calmed Edgar down, he leaned back and Nny let him rest his head on his lap. He rubbed Edgar's shoulder and forced himself to not think about holding him the way he wanted to.

Especially now.

Edgar's face was a little paler and he was shaking slightly. Nny felt like his heart stopped when he heard Edgar start gasping.

"Alright cool- Grazie Mille." Derek hung up and turned back to Nny.

"Ok so uncle Rossi's gonna help me take care of that fucker. When we get to Arin's I'll help get Edgar out and set him in the bedroom so he can sleep, yeah?"

Nny let his head fall back to the seat harshly, "Yeah." When Derek started the truck again, Edgar gripped his hand.

"Hey, it's only our truck, I promise." Nny said, he watched Edgar's eyes blink and his mouth twitch. Nny felt really bad, he didn't know if it was solely because Edgar almost passed out or that he looked so weak here laying in his lap.

Derek pulled onto the road slowly and looked back a few times to check for other vehicles. He looked down at Edgar and winced, "Man he looks fucked.."

Nny made a disapproving noise, "To no help from you, I might add."

Derek started to drive, "Sorry man."

"Sorry's not gonna work right now- plus, you apologize to Edgar, not me."

Derek nodded, "Fair point."

\----

Nny put Edgar's glasses on the nightstand and stood at the side of the bed. He made Arin remove his jacket and shoes, the chains and his keys were put in a lockbox so they wouldn't be messed with. Nny didn't want to do that himself, it'd frustrate him.

He stood there for a little while until Derek came in with clean blankets from the dryer.

"You ok Nny?"

He handed Nny the blankets and he draped them over Edgar slowly. "I'm conflicted."

Derek nodded, "You wanna get it out? I'll listen if you need me to."

Nny tapped his shoulder and pointed to the door, "Step out back and I'll be there in a second."

"Yeah, no problem." Derek said and he left.

Nny turned back to Edgar and hesitated. Why was he hesitating? There was no reason to- what was he going to do? Was he going to hold or kiss his hand? Rub his arm or kiss his cheek? Get on top of him and choke him or stick his thumbs in his eyes?

...take pliers to his teeth and nails. Get emotionally intoxicated on his screams and gurgles.

Nny inched forward, his fingers twitching as he reached his hand out.

..He could take the pocket knife from Edgar's pants and stab him with it. Twist it around and take chunks of muscle out like a melon baller.

Nny rested his hand on Edgar's chest and wheezed lightly. He could feel tears go down his face  _ but _ ..

He could put his whole weight on his sternum. Break his ribs- probably wouldn't be too hard to damage those, he does have breathing issues.

_ Maybe-.. _

"Nny!" He heard his name-.. _ huh _ .

He felt two sets of hands grab him and yank him back and out of the room.

He was sat down and someone flashed a light in his eyes, holding his eyelids open,  _ such rough treatment.. _

He heard people talking. He couldn't understand the words.

The light went away and there was Arin and Andrew sitting in front of him, he felt Derek sit next to him. They waited for him to speak, to do something. He gathered himself and blinked.

"I feel..nothing, just yet.."

Arin pinched the bridge of his nose, "Just yet could mean weeks for you, Nny."

"At least it wasn't just the nothing part." Andrew said as he got up and popped his neck, "I mean- at least we got him in time, that's what matters right now."

Arin nodded and Derek lightly patted Nny's shoulder, "I'm sure you still need to talk. C'mon, we could do it over some fries."

Nny looked over to him slowly, the visual of lunging over and digging his nails in his throat popped up and he shook his head to jostle himself out. Derek kept his hands on his shoulders, "Ay man- it's cool. Whatever you're thinkin' about- it's not real. C'mon." He got Nny off the couch and led him to the kitchen to sit.

As Derek peeled potatoes Nny tried to think of other things. It was hard. He wanted so badly to take the peeler and use it against Derek’s arms, they were meaty enough. Come to think of it,  _ Derek has a build to him that’d be great for food. Upper body strong from the blast-beats he does, stomach has fat to it.. You should go on and make him into fries. _

Nny felt a hand on his, he loosely realized he was slamming it on the table. Derek’s hands were warm, he felt like he was going to break under his eyes and he couldn’t tell where that realization came from. It scared him, that Derek was bigger than he was, just by his hands alone, how small and weak he was by comparison even though he was taller than Derek. He was weak and a shrivel thing and he couldn’t stand it.

Nny snatched his hand back, he was  _ not _ weak. Derek showed his palms as he put his hands up, “Just makin’ sure you don’t wake Edgar up, nothin’ personal.”

Nny sighed and nodded, Derek went back to peeling. They sat in silence for a while. Derek was already heating the oil when Nny finally spoke.

“I think I like Edgar.”

Derek dropped the matchbook, “What?”

“I think I like Edgar.” Nny repeated. He didn’t see the reason for the level of reaction on Derek’s end.

“Are you sure? You just tried to hurt him.”

Nny rested his head on his arms, looking at the wood of the table, “..I like the way he talks..He talks about the most trivial things but he does it in such a way that..” Nny flicked his wrist, trying to describe things, “It makes me..happy. He wears nice cologne and his smile gives me hope that I could smile that easy. He lets me rant to him and he doesn’t shove his religion down my throat. He does things his own way, in spite of his family and religious ties..he’s..”

Derek dropped in a few fries and turned over to Arin standing in the doorway and Arin spoke, “He’s unabashedly sincere in himself that he doesn’t need anyone to bring him up, but to compliment his way of life.”

Derek stared at Arin, he turned back to the stove and stirred the fries when Nny continued, “Yeah! He’s just the way he is, and it’s nice to see that genuine display in a person. Haven’t seen it in a long time.”

Arin sat next to Nny and smiled, “You’ve found it now, then.”

Nny smiled as well, a very thin one, “I like him. He means a great deal to me.”

Derek listened to the rest of their conversation silently as he made the fries, he had thinking to do anyway.

\-----

When Edgar got up he slowly stepped out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, he smelled food, “Uh..Hi.” he looked over to Derek as he was patting a plate of fries and salting them. Nny pulled his attention, “Hey! You’re uh..wait- your chains and keys are in a lockbox so we know where they are.”

Edgar nodded, “Thanks guys- those fries?”

Derek looked to the other plate he’d set on the table to cool. “Yeah..they’re free to take.” His mind was still a little absent. Edgar smiled, “Thank you.” and sat down. Arin looked to Nny and put his hand up a bit off the table;  _ wait _ . Nny looked at Derek. “Derek.” he was standing there hand mid reach for pepper, it hadn’t moved.

"Yeah?"

Arin checked Edgar's eyes and gave him aspirin.

Nny got up and whispered, "Don't apologize just yet- let him regroup."

Derek nodded, "Oh yeah, no problem." he didn’t really want to right now anyways. It wasn’t that he didn’t feel sorry, he just couldn’t really think correctly at all. He excused himself and sat in Arin’s room. 

Arin wouldn’t mind if he crashed in here, he knew that, but he wanted Arin in there with him. He laid down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, he wanted Arin in there with him.

Right here, next to him. 

Derek shot up and put his head in his hands,  _ he wanted to hold him _ , he hit the sheets below him,  _ he’s always really liked his hugs _ , he screamed in his tucked up knees,  _ he should’ve taken the chances Arin gave him. _

He laid himself back, he breathed deeply, he rubbed his face. So that solidifies his Bisexuality then. 

He turned over and sighed, he’d have to address this in its entirety later. Right now he just needs to regroup.

-

“So Arin has some games if you want to play them, or we can sit with TV- it’s up to you.” Nny said, he was getting there, at being sorry. He could feel the on comings of guilt, it hurt but it was a good thing.

Edgar nodded, “I’d like TV if that’s ok.” he sat down and waited for Nny to come sit next to him. Nny was feeling things again, bit by bit, hopefully getting lost in watching TV would help. He sat next to Edgar and he felt him scoot closer slightly, he didn’t want to look too much into it. He reached for the remote on the coffee table and flicked through the channels, “Forensic files sound good?” Nny asked.   
  
Edgar nodded and sighed, Nny looked over, he still seemed tired, face blank and body slack. Nny feels like he should ask what the problem is, even though he’s pretty positive on what it is,. So he puts on the show and turns to Edgar, he asks, “You look really tired still, is there anything you want to talk about?”   
  
Edgar shot up slightly, “Sorry, could you repeat that?”   
  


Nny nodded. “I asked if there was anything you needed to talk about.”   
  
Edgar sighed, “I don’t know what to start with, what to say.”   
  
Nny took a mental cue from Arin, “Well, how do you feel?”   
  
Edgar looked over to the window, “I feel..distant, and I really don’t understand it. I was doing fine yesterday. I guess what Ciro said to me is still upsetting me. He told me this morning that I wasn’t of use to anyone that I needed to be of use to. That..that really fucking hurt. I’d like to think I have use to everyone around me, because if not then why would they stay?” Edgar was tearing up and Nny wanted to take Ciro and break his fucking jaw; break it off.   
  
Nny took a deep breath, “Cry if you need to. I won’t laugh, I won’t judge. It’s ok to cry.”   
  


Edgar breathed in and out, then sobbed.   
  
Nny hugged him, he held his head and kissed it, “You’re not worthless, you mean a lot to the people around you. You mean a lot to me. You mean the world.”   
  
Arin came out of the backyard, and the brothers came out of the back room. Nny was hushing Edgar, trying to soothe. Arin sat next to Edgar and Derek leaned over by him, Andrew took Nny’s end. Nny looked around, “If your family doesn’t see worth in you, we fucking do. You can stay at my house, you don’t have to work if you don’t want to because working doesn’t determine your worth. You can help with songs, you can play an instrument, Hell, you can even sing with me if you want. Or, if you don’t feel comfortable with that, then that’s completely fine too. All I ask is for you to believe in yourself and your abilities, and stay alive for me, that’s all I ask.”   
  
Edgar nodded while wiping his face, “I’m sorry.”   
  


Arin directed Edgar’s attention, “What for? You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re a guest here, you’re allowed to do anything you want.”   
  
Edgar nodded loosely, “Alright.”   
  
Andrew sat next to Nny, “C’mon, show’s on. Let’s hang out together ok?”   
  


Nny let go of Edgar and faced the TV, he frowned, he still feels torn, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.


End file.
